Happier ~a kagehina fanfiction~

84 Days After

Kageyama had never liked the word 'happy.' It was too vague. What did happy mean?

Was happiness that feeling when he finished a really good book and couldn't stop thinking about it?

Was happiness that feeling of satisfaction he got when he did something nice and saw that huge smile on Hinata's face?

Was happiness ever anything that lasted for more than a few seconds?

Kageyama liked to think of it as a scale, but yet a scale he didn't have access to. Like he couldn't tell where he was on the scale. Was this the best it got? Feeling mostly okay, spending every moment of active thinking trying to ignore the exhaustion that weighed on his mind?

Was it supposed to be this hard?

Kageyama had never thought of happiness as a long term goal, it always seemed to impossible. Why waste time on something that he would never get to?

And then, all of a sudden, he wasn't thinking about his own happiness anymore. And he didn't have it either. It was like, when he wasn't actively pursuing it, it would just slip through his fingers. 

It left Kageyama at an impassable cross roads. Spend his life chasing after an idea that we would never be able to fully grasp, or have a life of apathy, not caring what happened each day to the next. 

He didn't remember deciding. 

Everything had faded to a dull murmur and each day was no different than the next. It was that feeling of powerlessness that really got him. Why try when there was nothing he could do to change anything? It was all hopeless. Completely, utterly hopeless. 

But then Hinata had come into his life. He was something that brightened the days and brought Kageyama out of that half awake state he had settled into. He was something Kageyama wanted to fight for. And he had fought. He had fought to get to this point, to the point where Hinata was cuddled up against his side and Kageyama did want to get the next day. He did care that he woke up the next day and lived life for another 24 hours. 

It was an exhausting feeling, but he was glad it was there. 

Maybe he had been at the bottom of the happiness scale that night. He was so low that there had been only one other place to go. 

Maybe he would never get to the end of the scale. Maybe he would never be able to get to the point where he could honestly say he was happy. Maybe that was okay. 

Regardless, he could still look his boyfriend in the eyes and answer one question honestly.

"Are you happier?"

"Yeah. I think I am."

~

Last chapter comes out tomorrow! Thanks for everything you guys!