Childhood best friends to enemies to lovers.
Alina wants nothing to do with the rebellious bad boy, Liam Somner.
Which is difficult, because he goes to her school. And lives on her street. And keeps showing up at her apartment, and sitting in her ki...
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It takes me a few seconds to put the pieces together.
Liam seems to think he "accidentally" saw a text message from me, claiming I love him. And I think I saw a text message from him, claiming he loves me. If I know that I didn't send that text message to Gracie, then the logic follows that Liam did not send that text message to Oscar. Both of the texts were fake.
Liam isn't in love with me.
Suddenly his jumbled drunk words on Thanksgiving night make sense. Liam thought I had a secret. Liam thought I was in love with him. Liam was... was he trying it on with me? Was he trying to make a move? Did he think I would sleep with him, because he thought I loved him?
Of course Liam isn't in love with me.
Boys like Liam don't like girls like me. That much has been obvious from the beginning. I can't believe I've been living in this dumb fantasy world where Liam Somner would ever have feelings for me. And here I was, thinking so highly of myself, thinking that I would have to turn him down somehow, because I'd convinced myself I didn't have feelings for him. I really thought I would have to turn him down. I was scared of hurting his feelings? What a joke that was.
"I'm going home," I say.
"Alina, wait, you don't have to say anything," Liam says. "This doesn't have to change anything."
I stand up from the rock. My legs are slightly numb and I stumble as I try to jump off the rock, and in a moment Liam is there, holding me.
"We can just pretend it didn't happen," Liam says. "Let's rewind."
I pull out of Liam's grip and look at him, and I realise what I'm feeling right now is heartbreak. Because as much as I told myself that I didn't have feelings for him, I can't deny what I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling heartbroken to know that Liam doesn't love me. And heartbroken to know that right now, in this moment where he thinks I love him, all he wants to do is forget it and pretend it's not real.
I find that all I want to do is hurt Liam in the way he's hurt me. I want to make him feel the same rejection and heartbreak that I'm feeling right now. And I know that I can't, because he doesn't love me anyway.
When I have a panic attack, I've found the important thing is acknowledging how I feel, and then rationalising how I will get through the panic. The mantra goes something like this:
This feels awful. I feel scared and upset right now. But this will pass, just like it has before. I know that it won't get worse than this. It will get better.
Somehow that exact same mantra seems to work right now.
I need to acknowledge the pain I'm feeling, which means admitting something to myself.
I allowed myself to believe that Liam loved me.
I allowed myself to believe that the best friend I'd been searching so desperately for was Liam, this whole time. He was the best friend I grew up with, and he could be my best friend for life. And more. I allowed myself to believe that we would be best friends and fall in love and be together forever. I believed in that bullshit about stars, and I thought that our families - who have been intertwined and yet separate for years - would finally join together.
