Stars May Collide

25: the twenty-fifth

The four of us watch movies in Oscar's room, squeezed together in Oscar's bed, with two blankets over us, and the sounds of sirens outside the window. Oscar's pretty quiet, but I'll take a quiet Oscar over a dead Oscar any day of the week. I can't contain how relieved I feel. So I just lean into him and give him a hug and hope that one day he'll know just how much better off we all are with him here.

It's early in the morning, after at least three movies, when I realise that Oscar and Grace are both asleep. Liam and I are quiet as we pull ourselves out of the covers and out of Oscar's bed. I don't think we've woken them, but when I look back I see that Grace's eyes are open. She smiles at me, and I smile back, and then she closes her eyes again.

I don't know what my relationship with Grace will be like. She was once my best friend in all the world, but we both hurt each other a lot. I have no idea if we'll ever be able to go back to the way we were. But I am so happy that she and Oscar are friends. And I know that despite everything, I want Grace to be happy.

Liam follows me to my room wordlessly, and we crawl into my bed, which is cold, so I have to hug him for warmth.

"You okay?" Liam asks me.

I shake my head. "I was so scared tonight."

"So was I," he says.

"We're going to have to keep this up forever, aren't we? I'm going to spend my whole life terrified that Oscar's going to slip away from me."

Liam squeezes me. "That's life, isn't it? Spending every day terrified that the ones we love will leave us."

It's so late and I'm tired, but my brain is fried and it won't let me go to sleep, even while I'm so comfortable in Liam's arms. My thoughts racing and my heart is pumping too fast, I realise I can feel a panic attack coming on. I sit up, feeling that first horrific wave of panic roll through me, and Liam sits up too.

"You okay?" he asks.

I shake my head, but I can't speak because my throat has closed up in panic. My face is flushed hot, and my whole body shivers with adrenaline.

"You panicking on me, Cook?"

I nod mutely.

"I heard you were learning sign language, huh?"

"What?"

"You're learning sign language," Liam repeats. "Aren't you?"

I nod, as another wave of panic curls through my body, gripping onto my muscles.

"Can you teach me the alphabet?"

I shake my head.

Liam rearranges his body so he's facing me now, cross-legged. "Teach me."

"The alphabet?"

Liam nods. "I want to learn."

I grit my teeth as another wave of panic rocks through me.