Braided

Eighteenth Day of Highschool

Eighteenth day Of Highschool

Dear Diary,

I spoke. I spoke real sentences today.
After hearing Shawna's story I practiced talking in the mirror of what I would say to her. It was the first time I spoke sentences to her. I told her I went to the same camp and wondered who it was because I had gone to the same camp. She sighed and gave me his name. It was the same guy. I told her that the same guy who hurt her did something similar to me. She was shocked when I spoke and that the first thing I really said was that. I told her the whole story and we embraced each other and cried. 
She told me it's not my fault and that God still loved me. I was shocked at how she reacted and treated me with love and kindness. She said that for a long time she blamed herself but God came to her in a dream and showed her that it wasn't her fault and that she was destined to help someone similar. I guess that was me. That was such a different reaction than that of the people at camp.
The day after it happened I went right to the nurse because I felt sick. After the nurse examined me she said I seemed tired and should go back to my cabin and get some rest. Little did I know that guy was telling everyone I seduced him and stuff happened. It spread like wildfire all while I was staring at the sky from my bed. The moment Sophie came back into the dorm I could feel the anger radiating from her. She asked me how I could do this to her. I didn't respond. She said she knew we hooked up.
I didn't respond.
She called me a slut.
I didn't respond.
The last thing she ever said to me was that my new haircut was hideous and stormed out.
I wish I could have told her. She ended up switching beds with some girl who was just as quiet as me.
Sophie made new friends and they made it their mission to torment me for the last 2 weeks of camp. I mean it's not like I would have had fun either way. The worst part about the whole thing was that I had to see him every morning. I threw up every morning and hid in the bathroom until the boys went off to do their daily activities.
The one time I was in the bathroom right on the inside of the stall it said my name and underneath it said I was a slut. That's not the only thing that happened but I rather not hash out all of it. I wanted to tell my counselor about it but I couldn't find the words but I couldn't speak anymore.
But today was going to be different. When I got home I said hello to my parents and asked them how their day was. Now they were the ones that were silent. They haven't heard anything other than whispers or a one-word answer out of me in months. My mother cried and my dad's eyes looked a little misty too.
But that's not even the best part. I actually talked to the therapist today. I told my story and that cheeky grin of hers went away. She looked so sad but thanked me for telling her and that now she could really give me the help I needed. Ever since my talk with Shawna, I was no longer ashamed of what happened.
I knew God still loved me.
I gave her permission to call the school. Maybe if they know I will never have to see him again.
I also prayed today and for the first time in a long time, it felt like someone was actually listening. I think I might find this forgiveness thing and maybe now that my therapist can actually help I will be able to do it.