Still Holding On

Chapter 4

Me and Julian agreed to go to a counselor. I just don't understand how our marriage even got to this point. We have only been married for three years. Yes we have been on and off for 11 years but I thought we would have it together by now.

"Okay so we are making some progress. It's gonna happen slowly but it's happening. Carynn what do you wanna ask Julian."

I looked at him and swallowed hard, "Do you love her?"

The whole room went silent. He kept his eyes fixed on the ground the whole time not saying anything. The doctor waited just as intensely as I was.

He shrugged, "I don't know."

"You don't know!"

He sighed, "No Carynn I don't know."

I put on my shades and got up and walked out. He didn't chase me and I didn't expect him to. My parents were in town for some church thing so Juliette came down from Miami and I am headed there to have lunch.

I held back my tears the whole ride. And it isn't easy sitting here at this table with my parents and sister trying to keep from crying.

"How was counseling?"

I shrugged my dad off, "I asked him if he loved her."

Julie looked at me, "And?"

"And he says he doesn't know."

My mom shook her head, "I hope you're about to get a job and prepare for a new life with a new man."

"Ma! I have faith in him."

She smirked, "And look where you are Carynn. Get you a business that belongs to just you. God is gearing you for a seperartion and I want you to come out on top."

I grabbed my bag, "I'm not about to listen to this."

"Carynn sit down!"

I ignored my mom and stood from the table, "Carynn Stacy Warren sit down!"

I eased back in my seat and starred at the wall. She sighed and looked at my father, " I am 54 years old. I have been married to your father for 32 years. I have slept with the same man for 28 years."

Juliette laughed, "I think you mean 32 ma."

"No I meant 28. For the first few years of my marriage I wasn't faithful. Even after y'all came along I still ran around. I thought I was in love and ran away with a man. He beat me and prostitited me for a whole year before I escaped. When I came back your father had built his ministry and I had to beg him to take me back. Carynn listen if he loves her he will leave you."

I wiped my tears, "He said he doesn't know ma!"

"That was his love for you kicking in. He didn't wanna see you hurt after telling you the truth."

My dad nodded, "If he wants to go Carynn let him go."

"But what am I gonna do."

My mom wiped her tears and handed Juliette a tissue, "Go to a bank and get a loan. Find an investor and start you a business. Prepare your children for the life change but most importantly prepare yourself."

My daddy agreed with my mom, "Open yourself up to new relationships. Don't let this failed marriage be a permanent scar you keep. You're a strong woman and I know that because I have instilled that in you."

I smiled, "So Juliette should leave KT alone right?"

My mom laughed loudly, "Girl they don't know how to function without each other. They just need to come together and stop avoiding it."