Branded

The New Normal

The Moon.. The Stars... I love looking at the night sky to clear up my mind.

It has been a week since I called in sick due to my anxiety and my company is kind enough to let me rest.

I promised myself and Mika that I'll be better and I intend to keep that promise.

I checked my watch, it's 9:08 pm on a Sunday night. Better go to sleep, I thought.

However, one thing kept bugging me since that fateful random encounter with my ex. That is to re-open and check my social media accounts.

I disconnected to the virtual world the day after my 16th birthday. The day when my life turned into chaos.

I deactivated all of my social media accounts since then. If people wants to reach me out then it has to be via phone or in person. I told myself that this is going to be my new normal.

I am no longer attached to the toxic world of social media.

BUT

I failed. I gave in to the temptation. I wanted answers. I NEEDED answers. For the first time in 11 years with no contact with people in the past, I wanted to see how things are now.

I grabbed my phone and installed Spacebook. Tried my best to remember the credentials and I was fortunate enough to remember the details.

"Well, that's nice. My account wasn't deleted after a decade of inactivity." I told myself. After reactivating, I immediately checked my inbox and saw lots of messages from a decade ago.

I felt mixed emotions. Reading those messages from friends, relatives, and strangers triggered my PTSD. My mind doesn't want to continue reading but my heart wanted answers, it wanted closure.

The messages are composed of comforting, hateful, mocking, and sexual abuse.

3 hours have passed and I felt defeated and victorious at the same time afterwards. I faced my demons and accepted the daggers thrown at me.

I learned to accept the judgment and will try to live with it. Encouraging myself.

When I was about to log out, a message appeared. It is from my ex.

"Hey Aivi! I can see that your chat head is online. Can we talk? I have so many things to say to you! But first, let me say that I am sooooo sorry!" Vong's message.

Just when I thought that I am strong enough to deal with my past. Here I am finding myself in tears again.

It took me almost half an hour to get the courage to respond.

"Vong, leave me alone. You're the one who destroyed me. You were supposed to be my protector. But you fucking ruined me!" I replied angrily.

I'm feeling anxious again after all the stuff I've read. Old wound reopening and remembering repressed memories are messing me up.

But I know Mika is up there looking down on me and saying "don't you ever break, Aivi. I know you can do this. Hold on."

"I know how difficult it must have been for you all these years. I was dumb, I didn't think things through. I thought my friends were for keeps but I was wrong. It was not my intention to ruin you. You know I loved you!" Vong replied.

"Fucking bullshit Vong! You were 18, you already know what's right and wrong! I trusted you! It was supposed to be our secret! Ours alone!!!" I replied while tears are flowing down my cheeks.

"I don't know what to say anymore, Aivi. I know everything is my fault. Please, let me talk to you. I need to talk to you, please!" Vong begging.

"I already trusted you once. I will never let myself get fooled again. I was foolish enough to give you my virginity on my 16th birthday because I loved you! But you were not contented and had to film it! I didn't want that but you kept reassuring me that it is only for a remembrance of our first time! And on top of that, your friends leaked it! You shared our private video with those fuckers! I trusted you, Vong but you failed me! My other friends, families, and relatives abandoned me! Strangers sent sexually abusive messages and dick pics! My reputation is ruined! My world isn't the same anymore! You ruined my life!" My last message before I logged out.

I composed myself after going through another mental war. Mika is gone. I only have myself.

I was stupid, yes. I was branded immoral by social media over a stupid mistake born from false trust and love. I am always anxious to the idea that people might recognize who I am.

But I need to be tough because this is not the last war I will ever have to face.