un(loved)

" it was me at 3.am."

the day started of like any other, I woke up and rubbed my eyes until they hurt and I got up and saw my mascara everywhere.

I could see the picture of me and Missy from last years Christmas party on my desk. Missy was my 13 year old sister who died 3 months ago. suicide. it's the happiest people that take you by surprise.

like any other parents, mine initially blamed me of course. saying stuff like 'if you would have shown her more love' or 'you didn't watch her enough'. the only thing I respond with is 'back at ya'. I've fought with them my whole life and after everything with my sister, I really don't have the energy in me to fight anymore. they stopped blaming me and started fighting each other which eventually lead to divorce. that was a month ago. now my mo gone completely mad. she brings guys aroud every night and who knows where theyve been.

everyone deals with stuff differently

I twist the knob to the showers and sit on the floor and wait for the water to warm up. my 5th grade teacher always said something about not doing that because of the environment or around those lines, can't really remember.

once I see the steam going up I go ahead and go in. the hot water hits my back and slowly relaxes all the tension I didn't know I had. it's the kind of water that's hot it starts to make you feel like it's cold. but I like it that way.

once im done i attempt to go to my room but of course i run into one of my oms 'companions'.

"watch out- well well well and who might you be?"the man asked. accent. hes from the south.

i scoff and start walking away but the damn hick grabs my arm. "scrawny lil thing like yourself aint outta be all by herself' he told me. was he tying to seduce me or something ? wow he really needs to work on his social skills.

I finally pull my arm away and start fast walking to my room. "I didn't want you anyway, fucking skinny ass bitch, maybe you should eat a burger instead". I slam my door and that the last I hear of him.

I know I'm like this, pointing it out isn't gonna stop me from doing what I've been doing. I walk up to my giant mirror with a crack right through the right side. dad did that before he left. sometime I feel like I should've left with him and not my mom. I'd be in a better place but I'd never have met my boyfriend, James.

he's been the only thing I've had since Missy left 3 months ago. everything's been spiraling down and he's been the only thing helping fight against the tide.

I look in the mirror and all I can do is stare at myself. how could I let myself be like this? I can't even look at myself anymore.

I sigh and turn away from the mirror and put my usual outfit on. blue jean shorts, loose black tee w/ or w/out a band logo, it's fading away so I can't really tell which band it is, plus long black socks and doc martens.

I didn't wash my hair that since I washed it yesterday so I just let it fall down naturally then I gather up my stuff and walk out of the door.

[30 minutes later]

what in the actual fuck is taking James so long? he literally lives a couple blocks down. since I'm already late to first I'll just skip it all together and make it back in time for lunch.

I decided to walk to James house to see what's up with him.

"This isn't the first time running all of the red lights, you were tryna get in my head I was tryna get in your bed"

The reason people probably don't talk to me is because I have my headphones in 24/7. Oh well leaves less room for disappointment.

"God I need a smoke" I groan. I know what your thinking, typical sad teen smoking right? Well hey what can I say, when you're trying to forget certain things in your life, you'll do anything to take the pain away. Anything. Plus people are suckers for clichés.