Lost in depression

I can't sleep
I think to deep
I wish you are something that I can keep
Life has always been a battle these 20 years feels like I'm walking on glass with my barefeet
I'm up at 3 am writing this
It's always been the opposite of bliss
You were pure happiness but it looks like this is only temporary like a kiss
Because now I'm up in the morning and your presence is something I miss
I feel guilt for the stuff I did
I was always angry put the moments we spoke you gave peace that's something I didn't feel as kid
I made a lot of mistakes
This guilt and pain is eating me like how I like eating rare steaks
I've dealing with my shit so long I don't know if it's real or fake
Sometimes I wish for death but I'm disappointed with every breath I take
These past few weeks it feels like I'm trapped at the bottom of lake
Drowning and drowning again
Praying for help but I keep drowning after every amen
I'm probably drowning myself
To caught up in the past to even see the future and it's wealth
My mind adds more problems like its putting more books on a bookshelf
Time pass
I see everybody trusting and going to the mass
But I struggle to go because I'm stuck on the past
Tell me how long will it last ?
Will I regret everything one day because oh life is fast
Maybe I'm just full of it maybe it's time to remove the cast