GONE DAYS | B.C + L.F ✓

letter eight

dear chan,

❝ oh look, we're at day four. it's a special day, it really shows where i want to go in the next few days. anyways, we don't have much time. you still don't know who i am, do you chan? i want you to figure out soon. our time is running short. remember a few letters ago when i told you to read the letters carefully? i hope you are.

chan, do you remember that time a year back. not quite a year, more like nine months ago. remember when you were producing for hours and hours without stop in your studio, working to the point where the pull of sleep had stopped trying. remember how your blonde curls dropped on your face, how your eyes were open but so puffy and tired. your nose and cheeks were pink and you were sniffling.

that's how we found out you had a cold. you never got sick, but yet here you were. sick. it just comes to show how the most unlikely things will still happen.

remember how i gently took away your computer and paper, how i pried your worn down fingers away ever so lightly from your pen? remember how i gently brushed your hair out of your face and ran my hands through it. when i helped you stand up from the chair you had been glued to for the last hours. i took you back to the dorm and helped you get cleaned up, made you soup, fed you medicine.

then? you went off to bed. halfway to your room, you called me. you said you wanted me to come tuck you in, you looked so tired. i then really looked at you. it didn't matter that you were so broad, it didn't matter that you were bigger than me. it didn't matter how much you wanted me to always see you as the strongest and most steady hyung. because at that moment, i was the one protecting and helping you. you looked so tired and broken down.

you looked so helpless, like all your strong walls that everyone always saw had broken down.

i remember walking with you to your room and tucking you into bed, making sure that the covers were right up to your chin. i gave you a small kiss on your forehead, and then i was about to walk off. but you, you didn't let me. you held on to my wrist with the weakest and most gentle grip, trying so hard not to let your body segue into sleep. i looked back to see you struggling not to close your eyes, and your mouth uttered one sleepy word.

"stay."

oh, did you know how much that hurt? i wanted so much for that to be more than you said. when i walked back to you and went under the covers next to you, i wished you thought of me as someone closer. when you wrapped your strong arms around me and tucked your head into the cusp my chest, i wish you had thought of me as more.

chan, i wrapped my arms around your strong frame and held you close to me, i held your head right at the cusp of my heart. you took in deep, staggering breaths. you came impossibly closer to me, you held onto me so tight. and when you decided that you were content, you finally took sleep's hand and let it pull you away.

the entire time you were sleeping, i was right in your arms, running my hands through your hair and easing the tense muscles on your back. i was running my hands down you, wanting to get every single tensed muscle to finally relax. and i was trying so hard not to cry.

this moment, that moment was the saddest moment of my life. yet also the happiest.

how? how you ask? how can one moment be both the saddest and happiest i've ever felt.

i'll explain it in the next letter. you're getting two today.

and chan? i think you have an idea of who i am now. how have you been?

how has life without me been? ❞

- someone who's trying not to cry.