Call me... Carson

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

My father is serving a very long time in jail for multiple things, endangering a child, driving under the influence, two hit and runs, shoplifting, and various accounts of child abuse. He won't be hurting me anymore. Most of those things I didn't even know about...

Carmin and her little sister got adopted. I didn't even know we could get adopted. Jack and I continued to spend more time with each other. Since we're technically homeschooled, we have all of our classes together. My bruises and cuts are still healing. I managed to bring my weight up to a healthy level so I'm not so skinny. I got my hair cut again to make me look more like myself. It felt good but I still felt so bad about myself and everything that had happened. All of it was my fault. I couldn't do anything else but blame myself.

Everyone says it's not my fault, but it feels like it is... I can't help but think that. I don't like myself and I hate it. I don't trust people and it's obvious why. I want to talk about my issues and mental health but I can't just drop that burden on them. I can't share it with them because then I fear that they will drop everything that they're doing to take care of themselves to take care of me and then they start to become worse and worse, and I just can't do that to anyone.

A knock on the door breaks my thoughts and in walks Carlie.

"Hey, Carson. I made you an appointment with the on-sight therapist thinking it'd be good for you after what had recently happened. Is that okay with you?"

"Oh um yeah, thanks, Carlie."

"You're welcome. If you need anything please let me know." Carlie always seemed to light up the room whenever she walked into it. It helped break the darkness that was slowly building around me. I get down from my bed and follow her to the therapists' room. I sit in the waiting room patiently and quietly as the sound of nature quietly fills the silent room. I shortly get called into his room a few minutes later. I was really anxious and for most of the time, I couldn't look at him.

I briefly explained what's going on and what had just happened in the previous week. I still didn't like having to talk but I guess it kinda made me feel better. I didn't tell Dr. Dean about how I've been blaming myself this whole time for what happened. After the session was over I left and went back to my room.

I hate that I feel that I need to see a therapist. It makes me hate myself even more. I understand that whoever wants me going to the therapist that they have good intentions, but I just hate myself after going because I feel even weaker than before. I feel like I can't be this strong person when I show emotion, I always have to keep it inside. I still do that but I feel weak after showing emotions. I have this wall in front of my emotions to keep everyone else safe from me. 

Jack walks in through the door and suddenly I feel everything disappear. I realize how happy I could be with him. Life is kinda bittersweet. I love Jack so much and that's all I can focus on. That's all I will focus on. Is him and making him happy too. I know I still have a long recovery period for not only my physical injuries but also for my mental wellness. As long as Jack is there I can do it. 

...... 

I walk into the kitchen brightened by the sun rays lighting the room like a candle. The wood-stained kitchen table has white, glass plates with flower decorations. The glasses are filled to the rim with freshly squeezed orange juice and crushed ice. The table glistened with the shine of new ink on a stack of matte paper. The smell of new newspaper dances in the air with the aroma of crispy bacon, strawberry slices, and golden pancakes. The stain glass window shows a beautiful picture with vibrant hues of blue, red, green, and yellow. I see my family sitting at the table talking and reading the news, as the radio fainting sings in the background.

I open the glass doors and sit outside of my new family's house, except they're not a new family. They're just my family. I walk in the wet, evergreen grass onto the red, rusty swing set. It creeks as I begin to swing back and forth. I reach into my thick, new jacket pocket and reveal a handwritten note. I listen to the bird's chirp in the distance and the wind whistle. And as I read my mother's letter I feel her spirit flowing all around the backyard as I hear her voice read to me:

"My dearest Carson Cage,

I refuse to write a letter that explains why I did what I did because by the grace of God I was blessed with you and I should have nurtured you until I died. When you were born, I cried. Not because of the pain of labor. Or even the fact of how tired I was. But because I knew you were special. I know what you're probably thinking... EVERY mother says that about her child, but Carson, you truly are. I rarely got the blessing of seeing you smile, but when I did it really did light up my life. I know I am an absolute monster for the way I treated you, but I always did love you. I think I just had to get over myself. I'm so sorry it took so many years to realize how valuable you are. But at least, I noticed before I died. Your grandfather was an extremely rich man and I hope that you can put his fortune towards something good. Because Carson, you're good. And I love you. I hope you grow up and do amazing things. But who gives a crap what I hope, I know you'll be amazing, because you're my son, and you are amazing.

All my love,

Juliet Cage, Mommy"

I stand up out of the seat and lay on my back on the porch. I gaze into the endless, blue sky as the clouds float around. It's so nice just hearing the birds' wings flap and the dogs yip. The wind continues to swing around.

"Carson. Breakfast." Jack yells out the window with a smile. "Hey by the way Carmin brought her husband and her kids to play with Johnathan, George, and Juliet. And guess who just got engaged to Julie. Her little crush from A Safe Place For Lost and Abused Children. Julie's fiance's name is Fiona." I smile as I recall her constantly talking about her crush. As I sit up as my five year old, Juliet, jumps on top of me as her baby brother, Johnathan, crawls over to me. We named my girl after my mother because I wanted to hear her name and smile. I don't want to remember the beatings, but when I hear my baby's name all I think of is her giggles and smiles now. We gave the name Johnathan to our son because it was Jack's great grandfather's name. And George's dead name will stay in the ground, but just know he's happy being him. We let him start taking hormone pills last week, and I am so happy he'll grow up in a safe environment and not the way I did. I will be forever grateful that I went to the snowy park I did, and that kind soul called the police to save me. That soul saved mine. People say that you are who you are, but I'm not just one thing, I am so many. I'm a loving husband. A caring father. A friend. A neighbor. A son. But most importantly, I'm a proud gay transgender, and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

So that's me and how I was able to meet the love of my life and him and I raising our own family. My name is not Clarissa... Nor will it ever be. So that's it. Call me... Call me Carson.