If two people have lost communication, and not see each other for a decade, would their approach be the same when they reunite? If you missed out a lot of years in each other's lives, won't you be terrified that you may not know each other like you do when you were younger? If the other one tried to avoid reconnecting, is there a chance for reconciliation? If you've built a wall hard enough between you and a very special person who has caused you pain in the past, just like me, you'll not run out of what-ifs even if you want to forgive.
I had a best friend in high school, and we were separated by bitter circumstances. Anger, pain, and bad experience drown me, which made me built walls around. Walls that no matter how hard he reached out to reconnect, it cannot be broken, and I cannot let him in. I don't want to. I no longer like the notion of having him as my best friend because I was hurt, and I am scared of constantly hurting. An unresolved painful past could ruin a lovely fairytale that could be shared with your future grandchildren during bedtime stories, and if not healed, it will haunt you even after so many years.
I've tried to sail away, live normally, and find another best friend. I wanted revenge by letting him know what he has lost when I walked away. I found a new best friend, one after another, no one stayed longer than he used to. Honestly, I cannot blame anyone, but myself. I kept searching for the familiarity that gives me comfort. I kept searching for him in every person I was with. I worked hard to erase the thought and longing. I met someone and everything went well with him. We thought we are okay, but issues arise. I played dumb and blind; I pretended that everything is doing okay because I don't want to fail again. My friends are telling me that I should stop having a guy best friend, and just find a boyfriend. For some odd reason, I can't find a connection with anyone who pursued me. Shortly after feeling down, the ghost of the past visited me again. I thought I would never hear from him again. I received messages asking for forgiveness and to check how I am doing. I was hesitant at first, but I thought that maybe this is all I need to make things right. That if I finally forgive, the baggage will be gone. I told myself that I will forgive him, but that is all. I can't offer the same friendship as before. And so I did forgive him. I told him I am okay, and that I have a new best friend. I felt relieved, while he felt bad because I have replaced him.
Yearly, I kept receiving messages from him. He is trying to reach out, but my mind is closed with the idea of reconnecting. I am okay without him. Well, at least I thought so. Little did he know, I am broken. My current best friend only knows me when he's sad and forgets about me when he is happy. Little did he know, I cannot sleep at night thinking what if we are still okay, would I have the same struggles now? The wall that I worked hard for is starting to fall off. I started being curious about his whereabouts again. I started waiting for his messages, which by the way comes and go yearly. Well at least, it's consistent. I started rethinking whether to keep my current best friend who I love dearly, but too insensitive and inconsiderate of my feelings or to come running back to my past instead.
An unfortunate event happened, and that led me to my latter thought. Sooner than I know, I am back to where it all started. A decade has passed, but I still care for him. I messaged him and made him feel that my family and I are with him. And just like the old times, he can tell me everything, even if we are miles apart. I wanted revenge, not knowing that it's only myself I am in a battle with. I wanted revenge, but when I accepted that I want him back, God gave me peace.
We all have blown opportunities in life, and there is a second chance to regain what was lost. We started talking like we used to when we were in high school. What happened in the past is now just a piece of joke. I don't care anymore about those girls who have cursed me and triggered my insecurities just because him and I are best friends. I will make them see that true love conquers all. We missed out years of each other's lives, and I felt resentful that we have lost 10 years because I let my anger ate me. Nonetheless, he always makes me feel that all is in the past and what's important is NOW. I also appreciate the fact that he is very close to my family mainly to my Mom, most especially now that they are living in one country. We started making plans of seeing each other after so long, but our schedules won't meet because we were both working abroad and in different countries. Until one day, an opportunity came for me to visit my family, and that means, I got to see him too.
I knew back then that it wasn't because a best friend left me that is why I am hurting, I was hurting because I fell for him real hard. I had feelings for my best friend. When we reunited for the first time after 10 years apart, we were both a bit nervous. A lot had happened in over a decade; too much to share in 2 weekends that we will be together. We both wondered if the chemistry would still be there, or if it would be a normal conversation to go down memory lane and continue on our separate paths. I guess an old longing adds intensity even more. When he came and finally stood behind me, I knew that it was HIM all along. I never had been out of love both in the idea of our friendship and US romantically. We smiled, and we reconnected. We were older, wiser, but had too much history not to feel a spark. I didn't know that he has feelings for me too that's why he was trying to reconnect. There were so many questions I wanted him to answer, but I also wanted to seize every moment that we're together.
We made the decision right then and there and decided that if it was going to be real, it needed to be real because neither of us lived in the same country. We settled for a long-distance relationship until we could rearrange our lives to be together. Thanks to social media, because just like us, more couples are experiencing the rekindling of high school romances.
I am conscious of having lost him, and it makes me focus on every day and cherish every moment of our rekindled love story. I kept on praying for the man who loves God more than he loves me, and I think I have finally found him. The time we spent away has let us grow individually and prepared us for something bigger. Though we are not near our happily-ever-after ending, we know that we want to go there, and we are working on it. Slowly and with God's guidance.
