Ever since i was a child, all i did was search for that 'something'. Something that will make me excited everytime i think about it. Something that i would really like to do that i don't want to stop doing it. Something that really makes me happy by doing it. Something that makes my heart skip just by the thought of it. But i was very young to understand what exactly was i looking for.
People around me called it talent. People say that talent was when your really good at something. In my case, they kept telling me that 'me' being smart is a talent. But i never believed in talent. Talent is something that you are naturally good at without even pushing yourself too hard. But this smartness they keep telling me wasn't like that. I never liked being smart. I never found myself being happy about how smart i was. I was never naturally good at it in the first place. I had to push myself more than my limit just to get to the point where i was smart enough just to live up to their expectation. I only felt pressure while doing it. It was the pressure that kept me from pushing more than my limits just to live up to their expectations. I was never happy about it. It wasn't talent, it was just hard work that i am barely hanging on to. It was the opposite of what i was looking for.
A dream? A dream is something you want to be when you grow older. For me it was a goal for your future. An accomplishment to make your future better. I already know what my dream is. But the word 'dream' isn't quite what i was looking for. It was somehow similar to a dream but not quite. Ofcourse, I was still set to accomplishing this dream of mine.
Others say that it was just a "hobby". But for me, hobby is something you just like doing when you have free time or when you feel like it. Hobby is something you don't have to be particularly good at it. It was more of a self satisfaction and for passing time. No goals or achievements needed. Everyone has hobbies, i also have hobbies. But it wasn't what i was looking for.
Since i started to search for that 'something' at a very young age, I didn't really know what exactly was that feeling i was searching for, called. But after trying to understand myself. After trying to understand this feeling that i wanted to search, i finally understood what i was looking for. It was called "passion".
Passion. That feeling of wanting to do something because you like it. That feeling of never wanting to stop from doing it. That feeling of being really happy when you do it. That feeling of being excited when you think of it. That feeling of making your heart skip just by thinking about it, specially when you do it. I wanted to be captivated with that feeling.
That was what i was looking for. It was the passion where you'll visually see it all bright and lively and you'll want to keep reaching it. That something where i could lose myself in. Something where i could do with all my heart. Something i could fully focus on.
And at a young age, that 'something' i was silently searching for had come to an end. I had finally realized that this passion i've been searching for is when i'm sketching/drawing and making portraits.
It took me years before noticing how i would always get lost track of time whenever i draw. I just find myself smiling and really focusing whenever i draw. My mind was at ease whenever i draw. And it makes my heart skip whenever i finish drawing. I just feel really excited whenever drawin is invloved.
It's like a really big accomplishment for me whenever i finish a drawing. And that made me really happy. I would also often visualize myself of accomplishing something really big through drawing. I never got tired of it.
But then, i met new people. I met people who had pure talent in drawing. I never really minded them because i loved drawing. It wasn't a matter of who was better... But then again, with those new people i met, are those who judge and critisize you.
