Love: The Open Book

The Breakdown: Lessons in Love

I've been in a total of six relationships, (seven if we count the relationship I THOUGHT I was in). Yep, we'll get to that later. Each relationship taught me lessons in love and not only romantic love. I learned the importance of self love, worth, healing, and growth all throughout me playing the dangerous little game we call love..and this is how..

Step 1

My first boyfriend was in middle school. He was a guy I've crushed on since elementary and I was elated to find out that he liked me to. The day we agreed to "go out together" was also the day I made him agree to not tell a soul about us. No, not because I was ashamed, but all because I was an insecure and shy little girl who didn't want to give her school bullies anymore reason to tease her. He didn't ask any questions, he agreed and we moved forward.

Now, this relationship did not include much of anything. No kisses,hugs,nothing but googley eyes and a special secret that him and I kept...until that faithful day he didn't.

His best friend came up to me during school and asked, "Hey do y'all go out?"

I broke up with him immediately following that exchange.

Now what seems ever so minuscule actually was my first lesson in love: Don't be ashamed.

However, how could I not be ashamed of him if I wasn't first ashamed with myself? So what was the lesson behind that? Build up my self confidence and comfort enough so that I won't be ashamed to shout my love (or any decision that I want to make) out from the rooftops!

I didn't dive into another "relationship" until three years later, and this time with a family friend.

That faded quickly and you know why?!

Because I didn't know him!

I agreed to be his lil "girlfriend" just after a few flirtatious exchanges. However, something in my stomach didn't feel right the very second I agreed to "go out" with him. And that is our second lesson of today guys and gals: Never underestimate yourself gut feeling.

I learned to not just go with the flow of things just because it seemed like the thing to do. If something didn't feel right or if I just wasn't ready for something, I.Just.Wasn't.Ready.

About two a half years after that I met the guy who would go down in history as my first REAL relationship. We met each other at a church youth trip and he checked off every single box of my new type; hood, nonchalant, and a smooth talker.

We were together off and on for two and a half years starting from the end of my junior year of high school. This was the first guy I truly cared about and also the first to tug at my heartstrings. I actually cared about him,deeply. This is when my maternal instincts were beginning to kick in, and I realized that when I truly love someone I go full on Motherboard on them. However, it became a lot for just a 17/18 year old me. He was in bad graces with the cops, in and out of homes, and fought with mental illness;bipolar schizophrenia. There were times when I was the only one who truly knew of his whereabouts. I'd have many sleepless nights not knowing if he was okay, if he ate, if he was having a blackout episode and would end up laying at a bus stop or in a jail cell.

It took me two years to finally cut the chord. Reason being, he refused to truly seek help and I, in turn, became his verbal punching bag. Between that and the controlling temperament I had to leave him alone. This is when I learned: Stick up for yourself.

Someone who loves you and themselves will not tear you down, or try to control you. It doesn't matter the circumstances. If it can be helped they'd be proactive enough to get the help but if not, LEAVE, before you become a statistic.