Indecisive Heart

Chapter 19.

Zachary's POV:

I read the same paragraph for the third time but couldn't grasp anything. I closed the book with a loud thud, got up from my bed and placed it back on the bookshelf. Ava's words were still replaying in my mind again and again on a constant loop.

Do I like Kate? I enjoyed spending time with her. But was it worth giving it a shot? No...no!  What am I thinking? What about passing the senior year without any distractions? But I was really curious, how would it go...

I would be lying if I said seeing Trevor going out with other girls and having their attention didn't make me curious. But not enough to actually consider dating. I groaned in frustration. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I was scrolling mindlessly through my phone when surprisingly I got a text from a person who has been bugging my mind the entire time.

Unknown no. : Hey, it's Kate. I was wondering if we could hang out sometime?

I looked up at the ceiling and said aloud 'Is this some kind of message you are sending me lord?' 

I had a weird feeling about this. My first instinct was to decline and say I have homework or other work to do. But then Ava's words resounded in my head again. Why does Kate want to hang out with me? Was she thinking the same thing? Does she want to go out for a date? You won't know unless you go.  

Ava was oddly suspicious about me and it made me which made me weirdly self-conscious. Her opinions shouldn't affect me but strangely it did. What harm could it do? I should give it a try. I informed Kate I would like to hang out with her.

I dressed up in my normal attire. A black hoodie and a pair of blue jeans. My thoughts went back to the party. When she kissed me I was startled at first but slowly loosened up. It was a good kiss. Not that it was my first time. Does kissing a girl in the sixth-grade count? What if I am a bad kisser and she texted me so she could rant about it? Oh God, I should probably stop thinking about that.

I wouldn't know why she wants to meet me until I see her. I was feeling kind of jumpy. I pushed the negative thoughts aside and closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. This is what happens when you don't have any experience. I could ask Trevor but if it went horribly wrong then he wouldn't let me live with that.

I arrived at the park just in time. I found her sitting at the park bench while looking attentively at her phone. She looked beautiful, breathtaking even. Though she was just in her crop top and a pair of shorts.

Should I've bought flowers? Girls like flowers right? Zachary, it isn't a date. She just wants to hang out with you. I walked towards her, hands deep in my pockets.

She noticed me immediately and urged me to sit beside her. "Hii Kate." I greeted her. 

"Hey." She responded. We sat there for a while without saying anything. Jesus! It was so awkward. I sat there fidgeting with my torn jeans. It was a habit of mine wherever I was nervous. Though I maintain my composure, trying to appear calm and collected.

"I wanted to say I am sorry." She said looking guilty. What was she sorry for?

"For what?" I asked.

"For kissing you at the party." Did she ask me to come all the way here just to apologize?

"You don't have to be sorry. It was a dare." I shrugged off.

She shook her head and explained."I did it to make my boyfriend jealous. We broke up two weeks ago. He says our relationship won't work and said he isn't in love with me anymore. But he's wrong and I want to show it to him. I thought if I kissed you, it might work."

So this was all about some other guy. I don't know what to feel. "Did it work, then?" I asked her unsure if I really wanted to know.

"Yeah, to some extent." She said. Suddenly, I felt really stupid for being in the park and sitting beside a stranger listening to her love life. When I should have been going through my usual routine.

"See, I wouldn't hold any grudges against you for that kiss. I should get going." I stood up to leave, to get out of here. But she stopped me." Wait, I didn't call you all the way here just to apologise. I wanted to ask for a favour." She said hesitantly.

"What kind of favour?" Is she going to ask me to pretend to be her boyfriend? No way in hell I am gonna do that!

"I just want you to be together with me whenever he's around. We don't have to be together all the time." She pleaded to me.

"But you kissed me for what? Just to make him jealous. Isn't it cheating?" I asked her. She looked unsure as to what to say. "Well...we weren't together at that time so it wasn't cheating." She smiled at me as if this should convince me to help her. No, don't say yes.

"Okay, I would help you." I was reluctant but still, I agreed. Completely ignoring the warning signs that went off in my brain.

She asked me to pick her up on the way to school and wanted me to be with her around her locker for some time. She was sure he would notice and unfortunately I accepted to do what she asked for. 

"Thank you so much, Zachary. You are the best, " she stated with excitement jumping up and down on the bench. I had no idea how this all could work. Was it worth it dragging myself into this mess?

"And you are a good kisser too, " she said before standing up and giving me a quick hug. She walked away. I sighed in relief. It was the only good thing about this whole conversation.

Maybe I felt worse because I actually thought she might want to date. Possibly people wouldn't be so distant to me if I hadn't pushed them away. But it was too much of a risk and I couldn't bear it. I sighed and scratched the wooden bench with a twig not so gently.

I sat there for some time. I noticed two girls on the park bench a few metres away from me. They were both gushing about their love life to each other. I couldn't help but eavesdrop a little.

It reminded me of how limited my knowledge was on this foreign concept 'love'. 

I had seen my sister break due to this. Giving her all, to an undeserving person. It hurt me to see her curled up in her bed for days, without eating, without doing anything. I always wondered why she was sad just because of a guy. It was like she was robbed of her spirit, a light had been switched off inside her and all that was left of her was darkness.

And was it worth it? I would say no. It took her years to get herself together. But she did it. She overcame her pain to some extent and was living a good life. Still, a part of her never fully healed.

And as for my parents, I had heard bits and pieces about their relationship. And after connecting enough dots, I gathered it wasn't successful either. My dad never treated my mom right. But I think he loved her. He had his own way of showing it. That's why after mom's death he drowned himself into work.

The only couple I have seen happily together were my grandparents. They stood by each other no matter what. I had never seen someone as happy with each other as I have seen my grandparents.

It got me into thinking if I was ever capable of this thing. My mind wandered to Ava, her smile, her attitude towards me. God, why was I thinking about her? Maybe because I don't have many female friends, and she was a good friend to me.

She already has a boyfriend, and I am sure they love each other. In the small amount of time, she has become really close to me, she's a great friend. I want it that way and I surely didn't want to suffer.

*****

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