(A/N: If your friends with me in real life, go away, please. Because if you ask me anything about any of this I will NOT talk about it. Plus, I will not be getting in trouble because you don't like that I feel this way. It doesn't help when you tell people you're worried about me, then I go to a hospital, then my home life gets worse. Then guess what? I get worse. I don't blame you for worrying, just let me work it out how I feel best. Thank you and GOODBYE!)
(A/N 2: These are a lot of feelings here, a place for me to release feelings. If you feel like I do or just wanna talk I WILL read your comment. I won't have ANY assholes in the comment section. I want this to be a safe space. Feel better soon)
I think back on my life and tear up.
Why Did those people do those things to me? What did I do wrong? Why do I have to be so scared, so angry, so sad? Why when I cry does it hurt my back, my stomach, my neck and feel like my heart is being squeezed?
I wanna know what it's like feeling normal. Going through my day without thinking I did something wrong. That I don't jump at every little sound in my house, that I don't lock the door to my bedroom when I sleep, every time I hear a song with even the slightest resemblance to something wrong that makes me who I am, I start to break down.
I don't wanna fake a smile anymore, I want to actually be happy. Why is it too much to ask?
I wasn't always this way, which makes it hurt worse. I used to be how I wished I was now.
Nothing makes sense. I want to lay in my bed and stay there, I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
I want to die. Such strong words, but they fit, sort of. I'm not afraid of dying, but I am. I don't wanna leave because there's so much I haven't done or seen. I want to meet my idols, I wanna make friends that make me happy, I want to be able to see places I think are the most wondrous and beautiful places in the world. I want a career that involves what I love the most, art. I want to be a tattoo artist. I can't do that if I'm dead.
Most people are afraid to die cause they want to make a name for themselves before they die, I don't care. I just wanna enjoy what life that I do have, I don't wanna give up, but my brain works against me.
Sometimes I lay in my bed, listen to music and lay there. I soak up the music, either focus on one instrument that I feel is "strongest" in the song or focus on the singer's voice. I usually listen to the song 4 times (most likely more) if it fits how I feel. The first time I listen to the song, then instruments, the voice(s) and then lyrics. I know musicians always say don't overanalyze or think too much about them, but sometimes I like to think about how these are real people, like me or you. How sometimes they feel the same way I do and the slight chance that we've even gone through the same stuff.
Like KoRn, I listen to them a lot. Of course, I do listen for the instrumentals and Jonathan's voice, but also how much I relate to the lyrics of most of the songs. How Jonathan and I have gone through similar and most times the same stuff. I feel a real connection to these real people.
And I sit in my bed and cry, cry, cry, shake, question the world, and think, think about some of the awful stuff I experienced. Stuff I'm too afraid to tell anyone and most likely never will.
I sit in my head so much, so much that sometimes I confuse myself on what's real and what's not. Which can be a hassle sometimes, but of course, like most stuff, I manage.
Everybody takes stuff as a joke now. Like if I say "Oh my god, I fucking hate myself" people just "lol, me too" Like no I F.U.C.K.I.N.G H.A.TE. M.Y.S.E.L.F but it's okay, it's kinda easy now so people don't, you know, freak the actual fuck out.
(KINDA GROSS? DONT READ IF SENSITIVE TILL NOTED!)
A bad habit I had gotten into a few years ago is cutting myself. I know it sounds bad and I guess it kinda, really is, but I'm pretty dull to it. Always have been. It has no meaning to it. When I'm having an "episode" I do it, just a regular day for me I will, maybe I'm bored, maybe a knife was just there. I don't get like a sexual pleasure from it, I just don't mind blood, I kinda think it's pretty.
Sometimes I won't cut myself. About a year back I started taking a knife and scraping away my skin, till it was raw, then I would cut the scab out of it over and over again till it scarred. It started when I actually got hurt then thought I would try doing it myself. Plus it looks more natural than a bunch of clean-cut lines on my arms or legs. Better excuse than "It was the cat".
(SORRY, DONE)
If you feel how I do, I wish you the best. I know it sound stupid and when I've heard it before I think "Bullshit". But, I mean it, you're not alone. I really hope you do feel better and make something of yourself, really try in life, be and do something great. If you think no one's counting on you you're wrong, I am. If you can't live for yourself or anyone else, do it for me. Yes, even though you don't know me, do it for me, please.
Love,
Musicalmule666 <333
YOU ARE READING
Some shit, cause I am shit
Non-FictionJust so I look back on my thoughts and feelings. I'm only publishing it so if people feel the same they know they're not alone. I hope you feel better soo if you do feel the same. <3