Some shit, cause I am shit

I hate everything

(A/N: If your friends with me in real life, go away, please. Because if you ask me anything about any of this I will NOT talk about it. Plus, I will not be getting in trouble because you don't like that I feel this way. It doesn't help when you tell people you're worried about me, then I go to a hospital, then my home life gets worse. Then guess what? I get worse. I don't blame you for worrying, just let me work it out how I feel best. Thank you and GOODBYE!)

(A/N 2: These are a lot of feelings here, a place for me to release feelings. If you feel like I do or just wanna talk I WILL read your comment. I won't have ANY assholes in the comment section. I want this to be a safe space. Feel better soon)

I think back on my life and tear up. 

Why Did those people do those things to me? What did I do wrong? Why do I have to be so scared, so angry, so sad? Why when I cry does it hurt my back, my stomach, my neck and feel like my heart is being squeezed? 

I wanna know what it's like feeling normal. Going through my day without thinking I did something wrong. That I don't jump at every little sound in my house, that I don't lock the door to my bedroom when I sleep, every time I hear a song with even the slightest resemblance to something wrong that makes me who I am, I start to break down.

I don't wanna fake a smile anymore, I want to actually be happy. Why is it too much to ask? 

I wasn't always this way, which makes it hurt worse. I used to be how I wished I was now. 

Nothing makes sense. I want to lay in my bed and stay there, I want to go to sleep and not wake up. 

I want to die. Such strong words, but they fit, sort of. I'm not afraid of dying,  but I am. I don't wanna leave because there's so much I haven't done or seen. I want to meet my idols, I wanna make friends that make me happy, I want to be able to see places I think are the most wondrous and beautiful places in the world. I want a career that involves what I love the most, art. I want to be a tattoo artist. I can't do that if I'm dead. 

Most people are afraid to die cause they want to make a name for themselves before they die, I don't care. I just wanna enjoy what life that I do have, I don't wanna give up, but my brain works against me. 

Sometimes I lay in my bed, listen to music and lay there. I soak up the music, either focus on one instrument that I feel is "strongest" in the song or focus on the singer's voice. I usually listen to the song 4 times (most likely more) if it fits how I feel. The first time I listen to the song, then instruments, the voice(s) and then lyrics. I know musicians always say don't overanalyze or think too much about them, but sometimes I like to think about how these are real people, like me or you. How sometimes they feel the same way I do and the slight chance that we've even gone through the same stuff. 

Like KoRn, I listen to them a lot. Of course, I do listen for the instrumentals and Jonathan's voice, but also how much I relate to the lyrics of most of the songs. How Jonathan and I have gone through similar and most times the same stuff. I feel a real connection to these real people.

And I sit in my bed and cry, cry, cry, shake, question the world, and think, think about some of the awful stuff I experienced. Stuff I'm too afraid to tell anyone and most likely never will.

I sit in my head so much, so much that sometimes I confuse myself on what's real and what's not. Which can be a hassle sometimes, but of course, like most stuff, I manage. 

Everybody takes stuff as a joke now. Like if I say "Oh my god, I fucking hate myself" people just "lol, me too" Like no I F.U.C.K.I.N.G   H.A.TE.   M.Y.S.E.L.F                     but it's okay, it's kinda easy now so people don't, you know, freak the actual fuck out. 

(KINDA GROSS? DONT READ IF SENSITIVE TILL NOTED!)

A bad habit I had gotten into a few years ago is cutting myself. I know it sounds bad and I guess it kinda, really is, but I'm pretty dull to it. Always have been. It has no meaning to it. When I'm having an "episode" I do it, just a regular day for me I will, maybe I'm bored, maybe a knife was just there. I don't get like a sexual pleasure from it, I just don't mind blood, I kinda think it's pretty.

Sometimes I won't cut myself. About a year back I started taking a knife and scraping away my skin, till it was raw, then I would cut the scab out of it over and over again till it scarred. It started when I actually got hurt then thought I would try doing it myself. Plus it looks more natural than a bunch of clean-cut lines on my arms or legs. Better excuse than "It was the cat". 

(SORRY, DONE)

If you feel how I do, I wish you the best. I know it sound stupid and when I've heard it before I think "Bullshit". But, I mean it, you're not alone. I really hope you do feel better and make something of yourself, really try in life, be and do something great. If you think no one's counting on you you're wrong, I am. If you can't live for yourself or anyone else, do it for me. Yes, even though you don't know me, do it for me, please. 

                                                                      Love, 

                                                                                    Musicalmule666 <333