You don't lose him all at once.
It starts with a letter,
A notice that
Soon everything will be
Different.
There's a kiss,
There are tears,
And drawn out goodbyes.
You notice it first in
The phone calls back home,
That his voice sounds tired,
His tone is hard,
But it softens when he says your name.
He comes home but he is not the same.
You feel like you've lost him then
But the process is agonizingly slow.
It starts with inexplicable outbursts over
Dinner that isn't ready,
Nightmares that keep you both awake.
You lose him little by little everyday until
One day you realize
You're scared of what you might see
When you walk through the door.
But even when he leaves,
Even when he says it's over,
It isn't.
Because sometimes when he comes
To see the kids,
When hugs last too long or
Gazes linger,
You see him;
And he is still there.
You don't lose him all at once.
He'll yell when he's angry,
Cry when he feels guilty,
And little by little
And then all at once,
You'll stop crying and you'll feel
Sorry;
Sorry for him, sorry for the loss
Of the man you knew,
And sorry for the loss of his peace.
And then you'll let go.
You'll lay him and his burdens down.
You'll love him from a distance and learn
How not to look back.
And that is how you lose him.
