The Suburbs

four

I am no bird; and no net ensnares me.

[Charlotte Brontë]

• • •

When Kody used to walk through the familiar streets of London, he encountered stray dogs, homeless beggars, drunken strangers, and blurry eyed drug dealers. He heard sirens and manic laughter and the sound of trains rattling on their tracks. There was so much to smell and hear and see and feel.

He had left all those sensations behind.

As he wandered through the streets of the foreign town, he encountered trimmed lawns, picket fences and big flower pots holding colourful roses. There was no one around. Everyone was tucked into their respective houses, drinking hot chocolate by fireplaces as the warm glow of tall street lamps bled through the blinds. It was tame and it was silent.

Admiring the warm sense of safety he experienced as he followed the paved pathway through an orderly residential area, he concluded that maybe he missed the city more than he had previously realised. He missed neon lights, nosy bars, crowds of people who didn't care who you were. He missed colourful hair, sparkling piercings, dodgy tattoos, second hand clothes, ripped tights, ugly rings, loud laughter.

He missed being allowed to kiss whoever he wanted.

Kody remembered the conversation he and his Father had shared before they moved. The memory was still fresh in his mind, but the weight of his words had only grown heavier.

He suggested that Kody should pretend to be straight to protect himself, at least until he had found a group of friends he could trust. He explained that the town was fairly conservative, and he didn't want his son being judged or labelled unjustly. Kody understood his logic and begrudgingly agreed to the plan. He was bisexual so he could still be himself to at least a certain extent, though he never realised it would be this hard. It wasn't like he was desperate to talk about his sexuality, or even act on any urges regarding crushing on boys, but he felt like he was draped in a cloak of shame. He would never truly be comfortable here for as long as he continued to hide.

But his Father only wanted the best for him. Kody knew that if he changed his mind and decided to tell people, his family would support him all the same. Though it wasn't an order as opposed to just simple advice, he couldn't help but feel resentful, like he was being punished for something that was out of his control.

His head was bowed and hands buried deeply in his pockets when he heard his name being called. He was so wrapped up in his complex train of thought that he hadn't recognised the street. It looked different today; no blaring music and empty beer bottles littering the lawn. Just Alex, stood by her front door in checkered pyjamas, a cigarette dangling from between her fingers and smoke dancing around her head like a halo.

He was confused as to why she was calling him over. They weren't friends, they had never even spoken, he had just happened to crash her party. He smiled nonetheless and approached her as she beckoned him over, "Uh, hi." He greeted awkwardly.

Her long black hair was wet, and she didn't have any makeup on. He noticed that she had freckles and moles and acne scars beneath all the layers of foundation she wore to school. It was strange to see someone you barely knew in such an exposed way; she had clearly just come out of the shower. "Hi, Kody." She smiled warmly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Where were you heading?"

He shrugged, "Oh, just...nowhere." He admitted, his face warming up with embarrassment.

"I never properly introduced myself; I'm Alex. I'm sorry I tried to make out with you on Friday." She apologised sheepishly.

He chuckled, "That's okay. Thanks for letting me come, it was a great party."

"Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I did. And I was flattered that you wanted to...um, kiss me..." He felt awkward and weird; he didn't know what to say to her. She was a stranger.

"I must have been exceptionally drunk to have tried to kiss you." She laughed to herself, and then stopped quickly, eyes widening slightly. "Shit, I just realised how that sounded. I'm sure you're lovely, but I'm a lesbian."

He paused in contemplation. Alex was gay, in the very town that he was hiding from. If she could do it, why couldn't he? "You're gay?" He asked stupidly.

She nodded and then held out the packet of cigarettes for him, "I'm sorry, where are my manners? Did you want a fag?"

He shrugged and took one, "Thanks." He murmured, taking the lighter off of her. "Just out of interest..." he mused, taking a drag of the cigarette and enjoying the warm sticky poison filling up his lungs, "Are people cool with you being gay? I thought this town was pretty old fashioned."

"Oh, it is." She agreed. "I used to dream of running away in the middle of the night and moving to a big city where I could be whoever. I was going to wait until I went to uni to come out but I was dying to just tell people. I should have stuck to that plan."

"What happened?"

"My family's pretty religious." She explained. "They weren't too happy with me, but they eventually came around. As for people at school, they made my life hell."

He gulped, realising that maybe his family were right. "But I don't understand, you have so many friends." He frowned in bewilderment. "Look how many people showed up to your party."

"Yeah, I have friends now." She laughed, "For a long time, I didn't."

"How did you win them over?"

"If you're gonna come out in a town like this, you have to be ready to face anything. You have to back your decision and you have to defend yourself everyday. After a while, people almost start to respect your confidence, even if they don't necessarily agree with you." She shrugged. "My piece of advice? Don't do it, Kody."

"W-What?" He stammered, "Oh, I'm not..."

"It doesn't bother me either way, and I would never tell anyone, either way." She winked at him, stubbing her cigarette out on her front door frame before tossing it into the rose bushes. "I should go, I promised my little brother that I'd watch Toy Story with him, again." She rolled her eyes, "I'll see you later, Kody." She smiled, and quietly slipped back into her house as Kody waved her goodbye.

As he walked home, he mulled over her words. She said that being gay was difficult but she'd come out of it the other side stronger than ever. She had an abundance of friends, her family had eventually accepted her, and the student body seemed to respect her all the more for it. But Kody wasn't brave; he couldn't go through all the shit she'd endured with the hope that maybe people would eventually come around.

He didn't want to admit it, but his family were right.

So, for now, he would remain safely in the closet, with the door bolted shut.