The Pain Inside

Chapter 10

"Doc? Hey doc? Earth to doc," Matt's voice jolted her from a daze, her sudden jerk startling him enough that he almost jerked back himself. It took a second for her to orient herself, dull gray walls, long table with two seats that left them sitting across from each other, notepad and audio recorder on the table before her, plus the fact that he'd called her doc. She was back in the psychiatric institute where this version of Matt was supposed to be a patient.

    "How..." Kat started, but then paused to steady herself, closing her eyes for a few seconds and taking a deep breath before going on. "How long have we been in session?"

    "Just a few minutes, doc. Are you alright? You almost made me jump out of my skin for a second there, it was like you got hit by an electric shock," Matt replied.

    "I'm fine, I just... Realized something that surprised me, is all," Kat told him, before thinking back to the last time she'd been in this particular world with him, trying to remember every detail. "In our last session you told me that the girl you love, the girl who made things better, left you. That you tried to kill yourself after that. Have you heard from her since?"

    "They don't let us make phone calls in this place, doc, or receive them either," Matt told her with a wry but sad smile.

    "So you haven't spoken to anyone then?" Kat murmured, studying his face as they spoke. "How do you think they felt, when you tried to commit suicide? Your family? The girl you love in particular?"

    Matt's cheek twitched, and he averted his eyes, unwilling to meet hers. "Pretty damn lousy. I mean... I knew it would hurt them. I never wanted it to but... I knew it would, that they would all be hurt by it. But I couldn't keep suffering for others, not even for her. It hurt so much... I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to make a choice for myself. Even before I did it, I was sorry for the pain it would cause them, but I knew that in time their pain would fade... Mine wouldn't."

    "But if you did have a chance to talk to her again, the girl you love. Knowing how she must've felt when she found out what you did. What would you say to her?" Kat asked softly. It was an important question, even if he didn't know that he'd be speaking the answer to the very person it was meant for.

    "That I love her. That what I did didn't mean I stopped loving her, even for a second. That she meant everything to me, and living or dead that will never change for me. My heart will always belong to her, in this life, and any other. That I want her to be happy, no matter what it takes, that I want her to live an amazing and beautiful life even if it's not with me. But most of all... That it wasn't her fault. She didn't make me do what I did, she wasn't responsible for my actions. It was about me, not about her. My pain, that was there long before she left. Trying to kill myself... It was my choice, it wasn't her fault, and I would never forgive her if she blamed herself for what I did," Matt answered, and though his tone was sad, she could see the love deep in his eyes, the love meant for her, even if he didn't know it.

    Kat swallowed hard, having to blink back tears, which luckily his attention was elsewhere enough that he didn't notice. She had spent more than one night blaming herself, wishing she could go back in time and change things, worried that even if he woke from his coma, that some part of him would hate her. "You.." Kat started, his eyes snapping towards her as her voice cracked, causing her to take a second to compose herself before going on. "You really don't blame her?"