NOTES TO YOU...

WHO ARE YOU?

DEAR PATHETIC YOU,

So you think you are worth all this? You think someone is around the corner waiting for you to show up? Someone is here to hold your hand and drag you through the dark? Do you really think someone cares? Do you really think your feelings matter? Do you really believe someone wants to hold on to you? Are you really sure someone or something is out there waiting to claim you? Who would even want you? You don't even want yourself right now, you dead soul!

You think that your actions make you seem like a different person but you are wrong. You are ordinary, something anyone can find anywhere. Maybe you are not like the others, maybe you are different but no one said that you were different in a beautiful way! You are ugly, you are worthless and that is why no one wants you. No one wants someone so dark and depressing to spread toxins in their happy life. No one deserves to be addressed to someone like you because no one is as big of a sinner as you. Your good deeds are nothing because you never did well to someone or for someone. You tortured everyone. You greedy inhuman took all of their good and left them miserable because that is just the kind of person you are, you ruin everything and no one deserves such a horrible person in their life.

You might claim to be good but you know who you are when you lock yourself up in that room and walk around in circles. You know what your intentions are, you know yourself better then. Have you ever considered letting your thoughts out? How much are you even going to punish yourself? Even your body doesn't deserve this kind of reckless attitude. You are a soul to be unloved and you should remember that about yourself. You really think you can fake a smile? Maybe you can, and you can even manage to fool everyone but can you fool yourself? How many lies are you going to bore within you? How many secrets are even to you?

Do you remember being a little girl or do you not want to remember that? Do you remember how selfish you were? You say the old you was no good but are you any better now? I consider the fact that you are worse than who you used to be because at least people were ready to be around you but who wants you now? You are nothing but a waste and throw material. Nobody wants you because even if nobody was a person, he would rather die than want someone like you.

You think you are old now? You think you know pain, torture and a broken heart? Do you really think no one has seen pain like you have, you self-interested callous? How many times are you going to drown yourself in lies and tell yourself that this will get better in time? Haven't seven years been enough to prove you that it's time you give up and let everyone be peaceful? Why are you at war with yourself? Why are you making your whole body fight with itself? Why are you so remorseless?

All you have done is given people pain and misery. All you have done is tear their lives apart and shatter all of their exquisiteness. You could never be a good friend just like your mother would remind you. Your mother was right about everything but you wanted to rebel and prove her that you could be loved but you ruthless creature can never be loved because people like you are like the villains of someone innocent's happiness. But how can there be people like you? You are alone, always alone. You have nobody by your side because nobody cares about your emotions and pain. Nobody cares how many times a tear drops from your eyes and how many cuts you made the previous night. Nobody wants to know the pain behind your smile, the laugh behind your cry and the torture behind your stupid dance.

You know who you are and what you really want and yet you are always lying to yourself in order to strive for something greater. Do you really think someone will chase you? Do you really believe that someone will make two worlds collide to make you stay? No one will and it's time you stopped dreaming because you can't lie about the nightmares you have every day. You can't lie about the pain in your body when you wake up all because of how uncomfortable you were in your sleep. You think people care for you but they don't because a soul like you was never meant to be loved. You see friends fighting for each other but all yours do is fight with you till a day comes where they leave for their own good because all you do is give them pain and hardships. Trying to fulfill your expectations they cross boundaries for you but what do you do? All you do is keep asking for more and more. They get tired of you because you stress them out because in the end the problem is not them, it's you. You make life miserable for everyone and you enjoy this act of destruction because in the end you are the bad guy, not them.

Sometimes you wish you were treated like you are good but how do you expect trash to be treated? So you get dumped again and again. Maybe you have some worth in the recycle bin because now I have started to see you, understand you and realize you. You want love, happiness, you want a reason to smile, a reason to laugh. You are done boring these secrets inside of you which slowly are destroying you. I have gradually started to approach you but you don't want to talk about yourself and I understand why, because you aren't a liar. Sure you hide the truth but you don't lie, you could never. I know there is so much to you that even you couldn't realize but you are not ordinary.

You love the feeling when someone calls you their happiness and says they are glad to have you but you know deep in your heart that they are lying. All are bloody lying because no one cares how you felt on your dark days and what you did about it. How many times are you going to be there for them when all they are going to do is bail on you? How many times are you going to break yourself just to stitch their cracks up? How many times are you going to ignore the way you feel? Just leave them already because they aren't even asking you to stay. They don't even seem to want you around anymore. They use you, they all do! They are no more than a chain of your past. Someone like them has been in your life before and someone like them is coming for your future but you, you always seemed to be blind but their meaningless words of love. You start believing that they care about you and need you but in the end no one wants you. Remember your worth because in the end you are nothing but a family neglect. If your mother didn't want you who would? Honestly sometimes I wish your mother left you because then a poison like you would rot and die somewhere and the world wouldn't have to suffer. You are nothing but a burden.

But darling how much do you plan on killing yourself? Those cuts you made, the scar they left, those times you tried to drown, that memory that woke you up, the times you starved yourself because your sister was skinny and your mother noticed it too not just the society to blame. You need to slow down sometimes because you are rushing too fast. You wanted to feel alive but your heart can't beat that fast, please give it a rest. Someday someone would start loving the no good that you are because you might be horrible but you couldn't be the worst right?

What is to you? I am more interested than anyone out there. Someone says you are unique, is it because they haven't discovered you yet or they are very well aware of whom you must be. Why do you try to be like them? Why don't you be you but I understand that no matter who they are they are still loved and you want that. All your life you have been fighting to feel worth it and loved but you can't do it; it's not within you to be found adoring.

Why do you hide so much? What's kept in the locked room but not in a park full of people? Why are you so afraid to step out? But now I understand because right down your building you have memories to haunt you. He is still there in your memories, isn't he? The way you nervously walked towards him, the way he touched you and the way he planted that kiss on your cheek, it's still there in your head isn't it? You could never forget, could you? And then the second one, at least he was a one timer. It hit your brain didn't it? You were a frightened little pussy. So scared of your own reflection aren't you? Why can't you face yourself? Why does yourself seem so scarier than people out there?

You have no bad intentions and I realize that. It's not that you are afraid of getting hurt because you are strong and you can take that, you can take any pain the world has to offer but you are petrified that you will be the one hurting someone. You will the one breaking someone but I guess it's okay to break someone to protect yourself but that is unlikely of you. You can't do that, never! You can't kill someone for the sake of yourself, you aren't so selfish! But if you really see, that is the reason people use you. You give in too easily and you love too much. Now you are the one crying locked up in a room while they've sunken to a deep peaceful sleep. I slowly start to understand your intentions but then you confuse me with your actions. What are you really behind that pathetic nature of yours? Who are you?