Within Me

Suicide Plan

This not something new in my life for I have gone through a few plans. I tried to stab myself in my heart when I was 5 years old. That didn't work I just started crying and wasn't able to do it. Then when I was 8 years old I laid down in the middle of the road during the summer and ended up falling asleep. I woke up and rolled out of the way, before I could get hit. I had good instincts and the plan was flawed because not many cars. Growing up we lived out in the country 3 miles outside town limites, so there weren't many cars passing by. Then I spent 4th grade begging god to kill me and stop my suffering. I had given up for I had failed the first 2 times and didn't see a way it would he getting better. This past few months I have been a lot better, because of my medication. I went up to 20mg so it helped a lot. This morning has not been good since when I normally feel a 1 on the suicidal scale I'm at a 10. So when I just would want to cut but not kill myself at was at 1. At 10 if I leave my bed right now I will kill myself. I don't need to make a plan for I made one for killing myself on my 18th birthday. I had been planning it for most of the year and was only holding on because I would die soon. I would die if I couldn't get my name legally changed. My sister agreed to it so I didn't kill myself, but it has been such a long time since than. It really wasn't anyone's fault for Naomi had the car and got home late. We tried to do it on the same day she went to the court house to get married. It didn't happen. I didn't know we were supposed to fill out and have papers before hand. Then we had to wait to get them all printed out after finding the right ones. Before that we tried to go, but I had the wrong time for when the court house closed. I would have to miss school to go to the court house, so we would have to wait till break from school. It didn't get done because we were busy around the holidays. I started to cut again because I kept on giving up on it ever happening. I had to were something around my neck for a week to let it heal. I had cut myself that day in the park with my dog. I wore a jacket so I could cover it up and showered so no one saw the blood being absorbed by my jacket. I had cut myself were I had planed for killing myself. So one on my neck where I
should of had an Adams apple, then on both of my thighs where my dick should have been, and on my chest for I shoulder have one. I can't describe it more than that because of my body and gender disphoria. So if I move I will cut across my throat, chest, thighs, and across my wrists for good measure. I really need my medication to be functioning, I tried talking myself out of it. That didn't work because I want to die, this was caused by a dream where I still had this body and depression. In my dream I still had my abusive parents past, with just something added so it was a dream and not memories. In my dream I killed myself because of my disphoria, and woke up crying. I really need to get ready and might be able to because I wrote all of the negitive feelings down. I'm still cutting myself, and cut hate body into my arms. I mostly do it because I want evidence and proof, also a way to pass time. I have to wait till 19 for Medicare to get testosterone so need a way to stay alive till than. I can't get my name changed even with the forms filled out because of the coronavirus and I had planned for spring break. So I can't get anything done that will keep me alive down and it has delayed my couciling. I need to meet with my councilor to continue functioning. The coronavirus has just made my life worse on that part, I don't have school though. That means my disphoria caused by school is way down. I don't go outside, so I distract myself with finishing books, and TV shows. That was something on my list to do before I die, because I had to fill my days with something. I'm cutting a lot more becuase I don't have to hide it, since not going to school. I have stopped cutting my chest, because it might cause me to not he able to get surgery. So that I can finally get them removed, that's what is stopping me from trying to cut them off myself. I haven't stopped cutting l, I don't know if I really will even if they scar.
It's 1:50pm on 4/19/2020 with 881 words.