A Girl's Diary

Pinocchio

Its funny when you think you know what a word means and that it is stationary but one day realize that meanings change and shift like the water droplets in the ocean. 

Have you ever thought of the realistic likelihood that you've ever touched the same droplet of water twice? Or where on the planet the different droplets of water that you have contacted sit now? Where are they going? Probably places you've never been and places you never will be. 

They also say that water has memory, but this isn't Frozen 2 and I don't care about water at all in this very moment. 

I'm talking about the word desensitization. It's thrown around, rubbed in our faces when we don't want it to be and probably accompanied by the word Millennial, pretty commonly to people who aren't over the age of 25 or whenever the boundary age is, I don't really care. 

You could say I've been desensitized to the word desensitization. 

But hey, I've come back to it so just calm down, Boomer or Gen Y. 

You see, it started when I noticed I was only going through motions of things. 

No, it really started when I realized the only thing I ever said to myself was, this will end. Just get to the end of the week, its okay. Everything will end, nothing will last forever. This too shall pass.

But you're not supposed to wish for college to pass. 

According to everyone, i guess, you're supposed to wish for it to never end. 

My reasons for wishing for the passage of time are an entire box of things that should never be condensed into a single essay, if things were to go as I wished them to go, and for now, things will go as I wish them to. 

The result, however, shall be. Just this once, and perhaps not absolutely. 

Actually, I know, not at all absolutely. 

One result became the deterioration of my battery. 

A battery, in other words, meaning my light. 

It was like the boiling frog syndrome, too. Like, I didn't notice it at first because it was snuffed out so gradually. Not like how a candle is blown out or how a flash light dies, but like even more exaggerated than a light bulb which gets duller before it dies. I mean, I didn't even notice anything was wrong for three years. 

What I thought was light and charge was not my own. 

That's really the worst part, sometimes. Its that the loss of my light came with the loss of my signature. 

I want to be honest with you and say that this time of my life brought the most valuable lessons that I remember every day, now.  I feel more humbled, down to earth and empathetic than I've ever been and I attribute it to my living on the edge between spiritual life and death. 

I know now what its like to be not living but alive. Like a puppet. 

There's no wonder Pinocchio wanted to be a 'real' boy. 

Being conscious is void if you do not feel too. 

I'm in love with this song right now. One of the lines says, 'I'm not afraid of living' and I think about it with fear that I can't say the same thing. And the fear that keeps me back are 19 years worth of experiences who's voices my ears took to instill fear in me, but I am trying to tell myself that those were just the voices my ears picked out. They weren't the only ones. 

When I was younger, and I believe I told you this, that I believed with my whole being that everyone was meant to love everyone. Oh I believed that everyone did. And does and will and would no matter what.