After Grace

30. What I Am

"You have to take control," I told Annie, "if you don't, someone else will." She put her eyes to the scope and slowed her breathing. "Do you see it?"

"I think so," she said. It was the first deer we'd seen in the three days since we'd been on the road. Its antlers were small and smooth.

"As soon as it's in sight, squeeze the trigger. Don't pull, squeeze."

She waited, following the deer's movements as it trotted from behind the brush, smelling the ground in search of acorns and nuts. "Now," I told her. I waited for the bang but she only watched as it nibbled across the grass.
"Annie--"

"I don't want to," she said.

"I know it's tough but we're starving, we don't have a choice." She pulled her eyes, gently leaning the gun toward me.

"You do it."

"I've done it. You have to learn. He won't be around long, we need the meat."

"I can't."

"You have to."

"Why?"

"Because someday you're gonna have to kill someone again, and if you don't have control of your emotions they'll end up killing you."

"So what?" she said and dropped the gun. The sound startled the buck-- I took the rifle up as fast as I could and fired as it ran through the brush. The shot echoed and bounced between the trees sending the nearby songbirds flying for safety.

The buck skipped off into the forest, the hunger I'd been trying to ignore now gripped my stomach like a strangling hand.

"What's wrong with you?" I hissed. "We're fighting for our lives here, do you not understand that?"

"I don't care! I don't care if I live or die, do you not understand that? Camden's dead, Marcus is gone, and you--" she stopped herself.

"I what?"

"I don't even know who you are!"

"I'm the one who saved you from a lifetime of enslavement and torture."

"You never cared about us! You left! You promised you'd never leave us and you left, we would have died in that ambush if we hadn't left the group when we did. We almost died because you didn't keep your promise."

"You don't know what I went through!"

"I thought I was sick! I thought I was dying!"

"What're you talking about?"

"I was scared and bleeding and you left me by that river, alone, you just left me there!"

"I-- I couldn't help you--"

"Yes you could, you could have told me I was okay."

"I didn't want you to see--"

"See what?"

"What I am!" I shouted.

Olivia came running through the woods, I turned to see her in full gear, everything but the helmet. "What're you two yelling about? Didn't you hear me calling?"

"What happened?" I asked.

"There's a squad of 'em coming up the road."

"How many?"

"We counted five on motorcycles, two cars beside them but we don't know how many are in them."

"Get the convoy ready to go, have Seth lead the way, tell him not to stop except to eat and refuel."

"You wanna fight?"

"I want to give the others a chance."

"I'm staying too," Annie said.

"Marcus won't be with them," I said.

"I know, I don't care. I'm staying."

"I thought you didn't want to kill," I said.

"I can help you carry weapons and ammo."

"We don't have time to argue," Olivia said, giving Annie one of her handguns and an extra clip. "Come on, we gotta get you geared up," she said.

#

In the end, only five of us stayed. Annie, me, Olivia and two others from what Wilson called The Watch, what everyone else called Patrol. There used to be about a dozen of them, all trained and fearless, but of course that had been before the ambush. Now, there were three including Olivia, one of which was a new recruit. A girl of about fifteen who had never fired a gun at anything other than deer and rabbits. When I asked Olivia about her she told me the girl was just rebelling by joining against her parent's wishes. Not the answer I was hoping for. The other was a man I had only seen in passing but had never spoken to. I didn't have to ask about him, I counted enough scars on his face and arms to convince me of his experience.

We watched the cars rolling up the highway, Olivia put the binoculars down and turned to me. "We should have forced some people to stay," she said as four of Mother's men got out of the first car.

"We have the advantage," I told her. Four more piled out from the second car. Thirteen altogether.

"Sure about that?" she asked. We were hidden in one of the many homes speckled throughout the lakeside neighborhood we had taken shelter in the previous day. The kids had more fun exploring the old arcades and trying to catch fish in the lake than they had had in months. Lucky for us, we had a scattering of small cabins and shops to hide in. We were crouched behind a window with view of the whole landscape ahead. The oncoming squad were out in the open. Still, we were outnumbered. Annie and the fifteen year old were in the kitchen behind us, filling the empty guns with ammo.

Outside, the man in charge signaled for the others to spread out. "Goddamn it," I said.

"Would have been a lot easier if they were all in a clump," Olivia sighed.

"We'll have to improvise. Annie and I will go left, you and..."

"Trix," she said.

"Really? Okay, you and Trix stay here, where's--"

"Michael. He's set on the right."

"Good, no one shoots until they're here. And don't stay in one place--"

"I've done this before," Olivia told me. "Go."

I jumped up and ran to the kitchen where Annie and Trix stood holding guns almost half their size. "Trix, go with Olivia. Annie you're with me." I rushed out the backdoor, Annie ran with me as we made our way to the arcade on the left. The inside was dark, layers of dust covered the machines like gray carpets.

"You alright?" I asked, putting my eyes to the window.

"She's right, we should have more people." I turned back and looked at her. The rifle weighed heavy on her skinny arms.

"You can still run. There are places in the woods you can--"

"Is that what you want?" she asked.

"No. I want you to stay," I told her.

"Why?"

"Because I can't protect you if you're out there."

She looked at me with something like forgiveness in her eyes.

The crack of a twig snapping pulled my attention to the window again. Three men and a woman were quietly making their way across the yard leading up to the arcade.

"Stay close to me," I told her as I lifted my rifle, resting the barrel atop the air-hockey table in front of me.

I looked through the scope and put the crosshairs on the man leading the way. Some of them carried guns, others had wooden clubs with nails spiked through them or long, grime covered machetes.

Somewhere in the distance, shots rang out, crackling off the walls. They stopped moving at the sound. I held my breath as I aimed at the man's head.

I squeezed the trigger. Blood filled the air.