Satan's Tale

One

There was One Thing that Satan just could not do, and that was to live (mood). That was because Satan was Dead, and Deadness is not something that you can regret. Therefore, as Satan read the slogan Live, Laugh, Love, they were, indeed, a little bit sad. Satan couldn't live, couldn't love—who loved someone who didn't exist?—and hence couldn't laugh.

It was a black hole and we were in dark times. (Translation: there was shit and we are in it). Satan, too, was in a dark time. It was that moment in time where they aggressively executed The Power to Exist. It was that moment in time where Satan, in some way, also wished to exist, at least for just an eternity. It was an empty world of non-existent beings Satan was in, and Satan was the king. But absolute power over absolute nothing was not power at all.

While Satan indulged in the infinite regress of stomachache and existential dread, Thanos stood close by, watching Satan with eyes that screamed one expression and one expression only.

"uwu," he muttered to absolutely no one.

Thanos had not physically seen himself yet from the moment he reached hell, but was conscious enough to know that he probably looked way different from before. For one, he wasn't muscular anymore — though he still felt strong. For two, the sounds of his breathing sounded more like hummingbird hymns rather than heavy pants.

And for three, he kept feeling uwu as his primary emotion. He didn't think this was possible, but he kept feeling an inexplicable emotion of admiration. In the marvel cinematic universe, uwu was an emotion he never got near to. But in hell (of all places), he felt uwu slowly becoming his driving force.

Though, it was a force with no action.
—
Satan felt intense heat directed at them. Anger? Passion? Love? Petty human emotions that they could no longer feel but could still identify.

Satan turned their head ever slightly, just to catch a purple bean looking at them. The purple bean was daintily poised on the goddamn floor. Based on common physics, it was impossible for such a purple bean to balance, upright, one the floor. But evidently, this story was not common, which was convenient for authors to insert whatever crack content they wanted into this story.

The heat Satan felt came from
this purple bean. This purple bean, which was just a Bean, but did not have the passion of Just a Bean.

"Oh Damn. Is that... Justin Beanber?"

"No," a sigh came. "I am." ANOTHER purple bean appeared at the door. The purple bean had tousled blonde hair and smelled of coffee (beans). It smirked, leaning against the doorframe, and then it fell because beans don't have elbows to prop itself up with.

Meanwhile, Thanos kept staring at Satan, with uwu in its eyes.

"I am Justin Beanber." Beanber emphasised again for no reason. "I am blonde."

Satan blinked. "You're purple. You're purpler than-us (thanos, get it? I—sorry) combined."

Thanos said, "uwu."

"Then what are you?" Justin Beanber tried to smirk again. He looked at the pieces of paper on Satan's lap. "Stan? Is that even a guy's name?"

Satan shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not a guy. I'm Satan...but...we have to Stan....myself. I'm Satan."

Thanos nodded. "Uwu."

The intense, passionate stare from the purple bean Beanber (among other things) made Satan want to leave.

Satan stood up and walked (walked? Does Satan walk?), "farewell, thanos."

"I'm Beanber."

"Uwuu."

Satan was really trippy that day, because Satan tripped over their toe and they fell and tumbled out of the door, away from a room full of identity crises.

——
The picture is Justin Beanber which I specially downloaded Adobe Photoshop for. Please enjoy.