PICTURE BY RAGING83PROTONS ON INSTAGRAM
TW; LGBTQ+ SLURS, SELF HARM, HOMOPHOBIA
Hamilton stares at Laurens blankly. He was saying some homophobic shit like usually, his eyes numb, but all he could think about was John.
He'd liked John ever since he saw him, he saw his baby blue eyes, shoulder length blonde hair, he fell. But John was oblivious and homophobic, he didn't have to know.
Only a few of Hamilton's close friends knew he was bi. As close as he and Laurens was, he couldn't tell him. Only Meade and Lafayette knew, but Burr somehow had found out, and he had been hanging out around them recently.
"Alexander?" Laurens asked, seeing Hamilton state down with dull eyes and a blank stare. He motioned at Lafayette, who looked confused for a minute, before waving in Hamilton's way and calling his name.
"Alex?" Lafayette asked, looking at him expectantly, but to no avail. "Hamilton?" He asked again, getting a glance from the smaller boy.
"You alright Alex?" Laurens asked, looking somewhat annoyed and somewhat concerned, just wanting to get on with working.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit under the weather I guess." He paused for a minute, and as Laurens was about to speak, he spoke again, "I'm just gonna head home." He stood up fast and picked up his bag, walking away.
"Wait! Your boo-" Laurens started, but realized it was to late as Hamilton walked out the door. "The hells up with him?" He asked, before continuing to read out to Lafayette, as he smiled excitedly. To excitedly.
To be honest, Laurens was worried about Hamilton. He'd been oddly distant, and not talking as much as usual. He didn't have as much gremlin energy anymore, he just seemed numb and empty.
And Laurens had been thinking a lot recently, but he couldn't share that. He'd been thinking about how he feels about Hamilton, and it was scary. He felt like he had a crush on him, but that would make him a fag. A queer. And that was wrong. The thoughts of how he might be a fag just made him mad and confused. He stayed up late drinking, and he had hurt himself a couple times with the broken bottles. But Lafayette and Hamilton found out about the self harm, and since Laurens had a history of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, they tried their best to help him. But it was no use if Hamilton was helping him.
~
Hamilton walked through the rain, staring at the ground. He didn't realize how far away from home he actually was, and started wishing he asked for a ride back. He didn't have a car of his own, he couldn't afford it. He flinched at everything flash of lightning and crash of thunder there was, his heart beating fast. He just kept on walking. Thinking.
~
When he returned home, he threw his bag down and ran to his bed. He grabbed a pillow and screamed, loud enough he heard the neighbors yell at him. He didn't even know why he was screaming. He just felt the need to scream, to cry. But he couldn't.
He couldn't.
The next days were filled with emotion. He didn't show up to school the first day, blaming it on illness, but that's when he re-developed a habit.
A habit he had a bit before Laurens made him see the guidance counselor.
He sat on the floor of his bathroom, holding a piece of metal against his arm. Somehow, word had gotten around about his sexuality. He didn't know how, he just knew it hurt. It hurt him seeing the words laurens sent. Calling him a fag, a queer, a mistake, all the names you could think of. He sat clutching his arm as blood dripped down it, reading the death threats appear on his phone.
"Slut. Whore. Confused. Mistake. Fag. Worthless. Queer."
He stared down at the phone screen, tears falling. He wasn't this vulnerable. He wasn't this weak. Why is he now? Is it because the one person he truly trusted hated him? Is it because he knew his future was ruined? He didn't know. He just felt alone. Alone and broken.
The rumors died down after a few days, and life for him was back to normal, except for laurens.
Laurens kept calling him names. He didn't even understand he was doing anything wrong, he thought he was fixing him. Curing him from the illness that struck him, the illness of homosexuality. But all he was doing was tearing him apart.
"Why aren't you listening to me, fag?!" He said once, in the middle of a class lecture as Alex was minding his own business writing. He made a decision he never even knew he could, and he kicked Alex to the ground, knowing he was significantly weaker than Laurens.
That's when it struck Laurens. He didn't know why he was doing this. This wasn't who he was. He loved Hamilton, he just refused to admit it. He didn't want hamilton to be hurt, yet here he was. Hurting him. He was caught in a daze as Hamilton rushed out, ignoring everyone around him. He rushed out of the school, walking home with tears pouring out of his eyes.
He was Alexander. He WASN'T this vulnerable. How could he be? He wasn't weak. He was strong. So why was he crying? Maybe he was weak. Maybe that's why he couldn't stop himself. Maybe, maybe.
Thoughts rushed around the both of them. Laurens was in the principals office explaining himself, Hamilton lay on his bathroom floor, dizzy from thoughts, blood and tears. He didn't know why he was so vulnerable, and John didn't understand why he was so mean.
Alexander ignored him for days and days. John tried his best to apologize, but it was to late. Lafayette regularly did checks on Alexander, not getting any sign of improvement. He kept his sleeves low, hanging on the tips of his fingers, as his scars stung him even when healed up. He felt like an angsty 13 year old. It was frustrating.
Alexander lay on the floor next to his bed, ready eyes and a blanket around him, his arm bleeding a bit despite the cleanup. It was hard for him to keep it going. He didn't know what to do. He heard a knock on his door, and expecting Lafayette, he just said a quiet-but-loud-enough come in. But, his heart dropped as his mind raced with fear and anger as John came in.
"Alex, please, listen-"
"What do you want." Alex snapped, holding back tears. John felt himself tear up at the sight, knowing what he'd done. He felt so guilty. He needed to make it right. He swooped down and hugged Alex, feeling the smaller boy tense up a bit.
"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry Alexander. Please.. I don't know why- I don't know why I hurt you." John said quietly, hugging Alex tightly and playing with his hair.
"It's fine-" was all Alex could say. He didn't know if it was, but he could tell how much Laurens was sorry. He wanted to protect him.
"It's just, I've loved you for so long J, it just, it's hard, I don't kno-" he started, getting shushed by Laurens. "I like you too. But I was scared. Really scared. Because like, fuck it, I'm a fucking faggot, and I called you a whore and, I knew I never stood a chance." John admitted, getting a blank stare from Alexander.
"I'm sorry-" "shut up." Alex said looking at him. He hugged him tightly and whispered, "I understand."
"Can I stay the night? I don't think either of us should be alone-" "yes. Please" Alex smiled. He hugged Laurens more, and frowned a bit.
"I'm sorry. We used to be so happy before this. I guess I just wanted you to bad.." he said quietly, getting a hush and a kiss from Laurens, shutting him up and surprising him, getting him to hug laurens tighter.
"Do you ever stop hugging when you're sad? Like seriously, you're gonna kill me" John laughed, hugging Alex back.
"Forgiven?" John asks, staring at Alex nervously, grabbing his hand.
"Forgiven." Alex replied, kissing his cheek, and slowly drifting off in his arms.
"My god you fall asleep easily when you cry."
"Shut the fuck up, I haven't slept in 8 days."
