My story

The reason why

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I mean most of the time I felt empty. I just moved with the motions. The rest of the time I felt everything all at once. I'd sit in my room wanting to scream cry laugh throw things then laugh some more. I felt crazy like I didn't have a hold of my own feelings. But I felt like I was just complaining or like no one would believe me. So I just kept these melt downs to myself. I started to have this overwhelming feeling in me. Where my heart would beat so fast I thought I was going to die. my whole body would go cold. I'd loose my breath like instead of it going in it felt like it was being pulled out of me it was so terrifying. I just didn't know how to stop it from happening. It would start to happen a lot and every time it did it would drain me even more. I just didn't want to say anything because they wouldn't care anyways. I started to develop a friend in my head she was there for me. Not in the way a friend should be. She would taunt me whispering about how ugly I was or how fat I was. She made me hate myself. She told me everything would get better when I was dead. I believed her oh boy did I believe her. I fought her off. I smiled so no one would know. My meltdowns they got worse. They started happening when I got yelled at or even when I got in an argument. People fighting or yelling made me scared. I didn't understand why I was this way. I knew I needed help. I had help my behavioral health psychologist. He was funny I was able to talk to him. I just didn't know how to get my words out right. So I couldn't talk to him about my real problems. I tried I really did. sooner or later no one thought anything was wrong with me. I felt like there was because only I knew what happened behind closed doors. I felt like a cat had my tong. The words formed perfectly in my head but never came out right. I'd open my mouth to say it and get scared because I thought they wouldn't understand. So I'd just make stuff up hoping sooner or later I'd work up the strength to say what was really on my mind. At this point in time I was in the 4th grade. I was dealing with this and a lot of other stuff stuff a kid shouldn't have to deal with.