Are you brave enough?

The Remains

"P'Sam, you slept with him, didn't you?"

"..."

"He's my friend, P."

~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up from the same dream. Well, is it called a dream when it has already happened?

It has been an year since I broke up with him. 12 months since I walked out from our home, the one that we'd both created with love and patience. 365 days since I left everything behind and changed cities, career and every aspect of my life, in result changing my own self.

I used to be a confident smug bastard. You know the ones that always have a smirk on their faces and are forever ready to tease and smile. The ones that you meet and instantly know that they have the capability to swipe you off your feet. The annoying, charismatic and loving fellas.

Yeah, I was one of them. Now, I can be described as a burial ground where all these qualities just vanish leaving behind a hollow caricature smothered with ash of its past self.

An year is a long time, isn't it?

So, why doesn't this pain end? Why does my mind keep repeating the same scenario on loop forcing me to face the excruciating feeling of not being enough, of not being sufficient?
I am tired of it all. I am tired of continuously pondering over what I did wrong. I am tired of going through the same routine of accessing every situation just in the hope that I will be able to understand where I went wrong.

Don't get me wrong. I know in all my conscience that it wasn't my fault. That infidelity isn't okay and what P'Sam and Stud did was wrong. I am aware that just because of two people's selfishness and lack of self control, I lost not only the love of my life but also, my best friend. I know that it wasn't my fault that I was left all alone with no one to rely on and no shoulder to cry when I needed it the most. I know none of it was was my fault.

But after nights like these, when I am full in my stomach, not with food but with the dozens of beer cans that I have lying around me that help me fight the winds of loneliness passing over me, I can't stop but think that I am the only one left unhappy. Those two have each other while here I am on my way to depression with nothing but my own self harming thoughts accompanying me. I can't help but think that maybe somewhere along the line, I messed up too. Maybe I wasn't handsome enough. I wasn't enticing enough. I wasn't possessive enough. Maybe, I wasn't enough.

I keep thinking that maybe, I should've forgiven him. I should've stopped him when he broke up with me. (Yep, he broke up with me. The cheater was making the cheated feel guilty. Ha!) Maybe cheating isn't that big a deal. Maybe, he wouldn't have done it again. Maybe I should've been more understanding. Maybe I should've been a better boyfriend.

I go through these strings of thoughts continuously every single night and wake up in the morning with a mind blasting headache and hangover with heartfelt gratitude and utter thankfulness for my sane self that was intelligent enough to delete P'Sam's and Stud's number from my phone.

It has become a routine. A sick, pitiful routine that I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemies but that was inflicted on me by two people whom I trusted the most.

After an year, the only thing I have realized is that the now present hole in my heart has situated itself rather comfortably and it has applied to become a lifelong tenant. Another thing that I have realized is that I am not strong enough to fight it. So, I have just accepted it.

It is quite ironic that up until now, I have been ranting on and on about being lonely when I know deep in my heart that that is how it is going to be. I don't have the strength in me to open my heart and give someone else the power of completely destroying me.

With such beautiful resolve in my heart, I start my new life tomorrow.
Which I owe to my parents.

After seeing me drown myself in self pity along with insomnia, alcoholism and starvation for many months straight, my parents decided that they've had enough.
They knew about my relationship since the start and even though, they didn't like their only son dating a man, they never objected to it.

I knew from my Por's snark remark about P'Sam or my Mae's sudden emergence of work whenever he came to visit me at our house that they weren't particularly amused with my decision but I keep them at the highest pedestal because they never stopped me from being with him.

So, now when they asked me to join the family business and work to get my life back on track and become proficient enough to be able to take over our family business next year, I couldn't say no. I owe it to them.

I do know though that apart from this explicit reason, they are hopeful that maybe if I step outside this 4-walled sanctuary I have made for myself, I will find someone and move on.
However, I know that that isn't possible. I am so caught up in my own emotions and thoughts that I don't think I will be able to start clean slate with anyone else even as a friend, let alone as a partner.

Irrespective of that, I agreed to be a part of the business albeit I work my way from bottom. That's the least I can do for my parents. It's a good thing that Em, my childhood friend will be working with me.
At least, I won't be all alone. I don't trust my lone self. He can be a self sabotaging over-thinker who is a good for nothing asshole.

Nevertheless, I am told that I will be working in the Production Department first.
The drill starts from tomorrow.
Let's see, how much worse can I life get now.