searching for a fallen star

Chapter 5: To run or to stay

*Flashback*

It is raining. Fat droplets slide along her cheeks, her neck, her arms. She shivers, hands wrapped around her knees as she rocks back and forth, yearning for a warmth that will not come. Outside is cold, but she knows that back inside – despite the heater that is blasting at full power and spewing out waves of hot air – is colder.

Pulling herself up, she begins a staggered walk away from the red-bricked house. She tells herself that sometimes, running away is the best option, even if it’s the cowardly way out, because how can you stand your ground when the ground beneath you has already collapsed into nothing but a rotting pile of timber? Sometimes, standing your ground is the same as doing nothing, and she is through with doing nothing.

Her staggered walk leads her down several sleek, grey streets, where the houses are still and the streetlights are dim. The air around her stands in a tense silence, like a rubber band stretched to its limit, threatening to snap in half any second now.

She ignores the silence and hums the first tune that wanders into her mind as she continues this walk to nowhere. This walk to anywhere.

‘Anywhere’ turns out to be a pavement parting a thicket of trees. The pavement leads her to a wooden bridge overlooking a large lake.

She looks around. There is no one about.

Her shoulders straighten. Her teeth stops chattering. For the first time in a very long while, she cracks a wide smile, and the corners of her eyes crinkle in laughter, even though her feet are sore and the edges of her worn shoes are biting into her toes.

For the first time in a very long while, the rubber band loosens and the air she breathes in is warm and fresh.

Little does she know that, hidden in the shadows of the trees, a boy is watching her with curious eyes. He stares transfixed at the scars on her arms, and wonders why they are a mirror of his own scars. He wonders who she is.

He remains behind the trees, not wanting to disturb her as she inhales a deep breath, then exhales, releasing a long sigh of relief, as if finally letting go of all the burdens and troubles that have ever come her way. Today, he decides, he will let her savour the freedom of his sanctuary alone. Tomorrow, he will accompany her.

Strands of hair plaster to his forehead and cheeks, wet with rain. The lake is peppered with tiny ripples. The girl tugs at her jacket, and a smile tugs at her lips.

The boy watches the girl, and finds himself mimicking that smile and finds himself gazing in wonder at the light in her smile; at the light in her eyes.

He finds himself wanting to see more of that light.

 

*** *** ***

*Present day*

When I finally stop running, I am out of breath. Hands on knees, I’m gasping for breath as if my life depends on it. At that moment, the first thought that enters my mind is just how out-of-shape I am, which, I suppose, makes perfect sense when you think about it, because I am no fan of exercise and strenuous physical activity.

The second thought I have is just how familiar the lake before me is. My grip tightens on the rusted bridge railings, and I try not to think about why on earth I’ve come running to this place out of all the places I could have subconsciously chosen to run to.

Great going, Anna. Great going.

I have not been here for years now, but the place still stinks of him. It is like he never even left. It is like I never even left.