Without Paige

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

I woke to the sound of my alarm, blinking and reaching over to grab my phone. It was eight in the morning, and sunlight was creeping in through the closed blinds behind me, making me squint. I sighed, looking up at the ceiling in disdain.

It was Friday, and an hour from now I was meant to be on the fields at Northport high with my cleats and shorts and a uniform shirt I hadn't worn in months. I knew where they were, buried deep in a bag at the back of my closet, with all of the other things I'd nearly forgotten. Still, I felt dread at the thought of it. I already knew exactly how today would play out, and there was no part of me that was excited.

I remembered what tryouts were like last year. I'd woken up earlier, gotten ready with a smile on my face, and had met Jess and some other girls from my team at the Starbucks next to the school. We'd laughed and talked about how badly we were going to beat Southbeach at our first game. They were always our first game of the year.

I felt a little nostalgic thinking about it, but I also felt remorse. As though that part of me was gone.

I took my time in getting ready, throwing my hair up and staring at my reflection in the mirror for far longer than necessary. With my bag slung over my shoulders, I walked out into the kitchen and filled my water bottle under the kitchen sink. I didn't notice it was full until it spilled onto my fingers, and I blinked.

Outside, my mom's car was parking where my dad's truck usually went, in the spot closest to the front door. I didn't let myself think too hard about that, walking over to my car and throwing my things into the backseat.

Despite the traffic that usually took over the streets at this time in the mornings, with so many people on their way to work, it was a fairly quick drive to the school. We didn't live very far away, and right then I wished we did.

There were barely any cars in the school parking lot, but I recognized many of the few that were there. Jess' jeep was parked right up next to the fields, a small mini cooper just next to it. We used to spend hours in that mini cooper, Quinn, Jess and I, just riding around the city and going through drive-throughs after Quinn first got it. She was the first of us to get a license and a car, and it'd felt like the world was at our feet.

The school was open, and it was a quick walk to the locker rooms near the fields. I paused just outside the door, listening to the sound of voices that carried out from inside. They were laughing, talking about how much they were dreading school starting. My hand stilled on the handle, and for a moment I wasn't sure if I'd be able to open the door. It felt like once I did, it would never close.

Someone pushed it towards me, and I stumbled back. Quinn walked out, Gretchen and Peneloppe on her heels. They looked at me, stunned, and Quinn swallowed. She looked stunned. "Sorry, I didn't know anyone was there."

"Don't worry about it," I said, simply, slipping past them into the locker room. I headed towards the back, bypassing everyone else and settling onto one of the empty benches near the back. I pulled my cleats onto my feet, tying the laces a little too tight, but not caring enough to loosen them. I tried not to notice how everyone had gone silent.

I was the last one on the field, and Coach already had them running laps. I didn't stop to say hello, and instead joined right in near the back of the group, running just behind them all the way around the field. It was easy to slip into it, feeling the burn in my lungs the more times we went around.

Only when we stopped did the sinking feeling set in again, and though no one was staring or whispering, I felt the stolen glances. Every now and then, I'd catch someone's eye and a part of me shrunk, until I felt no more than two feet tall.

The tryouts were exactly as I remembered. We did pushups and all kinds of other sets, until we were just warmed up enough that sweat glistened from my forehead, and then we were sent onto the field. Coach threw a yellow mesh jersey at every second person in the line, deciding teams, and then sent us into the fire.

This was something I knew, like the very blood that ran through my veins. Just like that, I suddenly felt no weight on my shoulders, nothing tying me down. I could have played for hours, but it was only to five goals. In the middle of a game, even if it was just a practice run, no one had time to wonder where I'd been for the past three months. I was rusty from a lack of practice, even I could admit that, but I was still just as good as before. Coach had once said I had a raw talent, and if nothing else, I could rely on that.

When we finished, he told us that he'd send out an email with the final results before Monday, and he sent us on our way. He stopped me as I was grabbing my water from the side of the field, and I looked over at him, swallowing nearly half of it as he spoke.

"I'm glad you showed up today, Wren. I was worried you'd skip out on us." He said, patting my shoulder with a smile.

"Yeah," I said, swallowing. "Me too."

He motioned back towards the school building, where most of the others had already disappeared through the side doors and into the locker room. "Well, get in there. I'll see you at practice next week."

I nodded, already walking. A smile tinged at my lips, and I wore it all the way inside and through the locker room door. It only fell once I was seated at the bench and tugging my cleats off of my feet.

Quinn and Jess had stumbled over, standing at the edge of the row of lockers. They were quiet at first, looking at me, and it was only when I glanced over that Quinn spoke up.

"How have you been?" She asked, her voice quiet.

I frowned, both the question and the way she'd said it catching me off guard. Quinn was always like that with people she didn't know, quiet and shy as though she was afraid of strangers. But with people she knew, she was loud and almost never silent, as though every thought needed to be voiced. That she was being quiet now hurt just as much as it did to think about the answer she was waiting on.

"Fine," I said, shrugging. I threw my shoes into my bag and tugged my runners onto my feet. "How about you?"

"Fine," she said, smiling softly. "We missed you this summer. We were practicing every week."

I nodded, standing with my bag at my side. "I know. My dad told me."

Jess shifted her weight, arms crossed in front of her. "You did good today. That last pass was a little off, though."

I laughed, "Yeah, nothing some practice won't fix though, I hope."

Quinn bit her lip, "We're going out for some smoothies, do you want to come?"

For a moment, I considered it. Every other week during the season last year, we'd gone out for smoothies after practice on Fridays. It'd become something of a ritual. I thought about going with them to the Booster juice across the street, sitting in our table at the back of the room, gossiping about school and everything else. I couldn't deny that I almost wanted to say yes.

"Not today," I said, shaking my head. "I've got some stuff to do."

"Next week, then." Jess said, smiling.

I nodded, watching the pair of them walk back towards the door. I thought maybe I'd been worrying over this for no reason. Maybe all of the nerves and things I'd been scared of had just been me overreacting, maybe even just feeling sorry for myself. As I made my way back out to my car, I did so feeling uplifted. As though the final pieces to a puzzle were finally beginning to slide into place.