Without Paige

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-One

Jess and Quinn found me in the locker room after practice on Friday. They'd changed out of their uniforms quickly, and it took me a minute longer to tie my shoes back onto my feet and gather my things. Over the week, there'd been a few times where I'd considered cancelling on them. I was nervous, and even a little afraid, but I hadn't.

"Ready to go?" Jess asked, and I swung my soccer bag over my shoulder and nodded. We each dumped our things in our own cars before meeting up behind Quinn's mini cooper and walking across the street.

There were still some people from school sitting in the small tables at the edge of the Booster Juice, but few of them looked our way when we stepped inside. We ordered and stood off to the edge of the counter, waiting, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the stiffness of my limbs. It reminded me of my first day of school, when everything had been new and I didn't know anyone. I'd done this a hundred times with them, and yet it felt weird and not at all the same.

Neither of them mentioned Paige or even prodded me a little, and I was grateful for that, but as we moved back outside and took one of the tables by the window, I realized that Jess wasn't the problem. Neither of them were. The problem was me.

While Quinn and Jess were exactly as I remembered, falling into easy conversation and laughing about whatever they'd seen at school earlier in the day, I couldn't do that. I wasn't the same person who used to crack jokes about our teachers or laugh at something Jess would say about another student. Not with them.

"God, you'd think you could keep your hands off each other for more than four seconds." Jess said, calling my attention back to the conversation.

I blinked, looking over at Quinn, "You're seeing someone?"

She blushed, and then nodded. "Gardner Harris? You know, that guy who used to wear sweater vests in ninth grade."

Jess snorted, "Oh, my god. He totally did."

"Since when?" I asked.

She shrugged, "A couple months now. He asked me out at the beginning of the summer."

"Quinn," I said, shaking my head. "That's awesome."

She shrugged, and then looked up at me. "Are you seeing anyone?"

I shook my head. The idea was almost laughable. We used to talk about boys everytime we got together, but I hadn't even thought about dating in months. The only guy I'd ever gone out with had been Treyton McArthur at the end of tenth grade. We'd dated for five months, and after one night while his parents were out of town, all he'd ever wanted to do was drive off to the lookouts around the lake. That wasn't my thing, and we'd broken up.

I hadn't thought about him in ages, but now that I was, I was reminded of what had come after. Jess and Quinn had been there for me when I thought the world was falling off its axis, but it'd been Paige who I'd gone to first. Even then, we hadn't been close, but she was my sister.

I remembered walking in the door after he dumped me, and our parents were still at work. She was sitting on the couch with Sharron and a few other friends, but the moment I'd walked in and darted to my room, she kicked them out. She knocked on my door and found me holding back tears at the foot of my bed, and immediately went into a rant about how much of an idiot he was.

"You're, like, thirty times better than him anyways." Paige had said. "No, definitely fifty. Everytime I look at that boy I just want to pluck his eyebrows for him or something. You can do so much better."

I'd laughed, and then she sat there with me until our parents got home and mom made dinner. Things had been good after that, better than usual, right up until she found me wearing one of her shirts and yelled at me for not asking. Then it went right back to normal.

Across from me, Jess had started talking about soccer practice and how Gretchen needed to work on her aim. For twenty more minutes, I sat with them and forced smiles when one of them told a joke, but I was far from into it. The memory of Paige had sent me feel even more distant.

"Are you driving to the game tomorrow?" Jess asked me just as we were getting ready to leave.

I nodded. Katy had already asked me what I was doing tomorrow, and as soon as I'd told her I had a game she'd asked me what time it finished. Apparently her and Miles' parents had a small business conference a couple hours away, and they'd be staying there until Sunday morning. She'd already started planning for everyone to come over to spend the night.

According to her, she'd asked if she could have their friends over for the night and their parents had said yes. Katy and Miles' parents seemed pretty okay with everything they got up to, if all the booze they bought them for nights up at the cabin was any kind of evidence. All Katy had told me was that as long as we didn't blast music loud enough that someone called the cops on the local grocery store, we'd be fine.

Quinn shrugged, "Well, do you want to ride with us? We're driving down there together."

I shook my head. "My dad's going to drive me."

She nodded, "Okay."

The three of us crossed the street back to the school parking lot. It'd mostly cleared out by the time our practice had let out, but now that all of our teammates were gone, ours were the only cars left.

We said goodbye and I waved at them from my window while they drove off, only just turning the ignition. A part of me was sad that I hadn't been able to get along with them as well as I used to, but a part of me was also relieved. As much as I loved them both, it took too much energy to pretend to be someone I used to be. I didn't blame them for that. That was all on me.