The Passionate Corpse

15

"The Black Cloud"

It was one of those mundane spent days-my mind was blank from almost anything. I fell into the abyss of life, that sometimes, something will go wrong amidst everything in place.

I admit to myself that I am a resillient person. I may have gone a traumatic childhood and an abusive family, but I still had the positive outlook in life. So I concluded that everything was fine.

Almost fine. And 'almosts' always doesn't sound sweet.

A small, black cloud floats just above my head. I didn't know how it happened or when it started. I just woke up feeling heavy, gloomy for no reason.

It follows me anywhere I go. At school, at home, or at a nearby street when I have to take my dog for a walk. Even in that peaceful night when I was about to sleep.

It was a unique feeling. People have seen me, still with their wide smiles. As if nothing had changed. As if I weren't feeling sick all along. It was worst that I had to smile too, even if my insides were in an ugly protest.

I wonder if they can see that cloud. I think, they can't. I can't believe how vivid it appears to me, how real it feels; I could even touch it. I can't believe that how it is invisible to other people.

In everything that I do, I remember that cloud. I kept thinking over it. Pondering so heavily, 'til my mind reaches the point of exhaustion.

It scared me, that the cloud grew. Darker than it was.

I began oversleeping, and when I wake up, I feel more tired. Heavy eyebags grown under my eye. I find peace in nothing, but sleep. So I slept and slept, I couldn't stand these ill-feelings. I couldn't stand that cloud bugging me.

I can't eat foods. I just feel like I don't want to. It changed a lot to my physique, I was thinner. My bones greets my thin flesh. I was a dead-batt phone, uncharged for decades.

Irritation. Madness. Guilt. Some of the ill-feelings that surfaced within me. I didn't know that this part existed to myself, maybe it didn't. Maybe it wasn't myself anymore.

My friends doesn't seem my friends. It pained me that they cannot see that black cloud floating. It pained me that they kept smiling. It pained me that I have to smile, when I can't.

Daylights are always full of scares. And nights are the scariest. The dark room seemed darker for that filthy cloud. Everything was cold and empty.

I isolated myself. To my friends, to my family, even to my neighbors. I wanted to tell them about the cloud, but couldn't get myself to it.

I did gather thousands of words to tell them. None of those depicted what it really feels. Not even a noun or an adjective. The cloud is somewhat of a word that can be understood, only if experienced first-hand. But I didn't want them to experience the same thing, for it is not a wondrous feeling. Not even an art.

I loathed the cloud. It grew bigger and bigger, darker and darker. For years. It was horrendous that something that I wished to vanish, just grew a lot. I didn't know how to make it disappear.

It started as small as a coin. To a cup size. To the size of a pillow. To be as large as my bed. Now, t'was as huge as my house. And every time I peeked to see the rays of light, I saw nothing but darkness.

Fear overwhelmed myself. I started to cry, the cloud gave rain. Mixed my cries with thunders and storms, as if teasing my agonies.

"Why are you crying?" asked the cloud. I talked to its eye, peeking on the window of my house. It was that large to even fit here.

"I hope you'd go away," I said in the middle of my sobs. My face turned reddish from that cry. The strands of my hair tangled.

"I can't," the cloud blinked slowly. Proceeded with its light and calm sighs.

"And why? You are destroying my life. I didn't even wish for your existence," I exclaimed. I was infuriated.

"I live inside you," it answered. Still on the cloud's wide wondering eyes. The cloud caressed my hair in soft strokes.

I stopped. Quite astonished for a statement I've never heard before.

"You gave birth to me," it added. I blinked a few times. The cloud blew air to ease me from crying. The cold mist formed in my face.

"You act like you're protecting me. When in fact, you don't. My life turned upside-down the moment you existed," my laments sounded as vile as possible.

The cloud smiled, "You can kill me".

My eyes turned wide. "How? How can I kill you?"

"Just pretend that I don't exist. Your mind lies at you. It's because your heart is not always at ease,"

The cloud carried me, enveloped in my loneliness. My tearful eyes blinked as I started to bid goodbye.

"When you wake up, you won't remember me. Please, do so. And don't call for me again. I will cease to exist forever. You should take care of yourself, from now on,"

The cloud gently smiled at me. I slept blissfully, at once. I can't remember my memories from the past years. All I know that it was dark.

I opened my eyes with the scent of an alcohol. The radiant light illuminated and hurt my eyes. There, came my parents rushing while I was lying on the bed.

"Good Lord! You're awake!" my dad exclaimed. He gently caressed my hair. There were tears in his eyes.

My mom came, rushing in. Together with the female doctor.

"How are you feeling?" the doctor asked. I was oblivous of everthing that was happening, my last memories was... I can't remember anymore. What was I doing? Why am I here in the hospital?

"Uh, I'm fine, I guess,"

My mom was in her tears. It shocked me. My dad comforted her.

"You had a hard time, honey. Why didn't you tell us? You were suffering from depression all this time, we had no idea," she blurted out.

I gasped. My forehead formed lines of confusion. The doctor gave me an assuring smile.

"It's gone now," she said.

But what was gone?

My head ached slighlty. I came upon a random memory of something in the past, was almost blurry.

The cloud. I remembered the cloud. All this time it wasn't true. It was just all up in my head.

No cloud floated above my head anymore. Gone was the darkness. Now, I could properly see the clear vibrant skies. And every little positive thing that gave joy to the world.

And that girl, lived happy forever. Like a cliche fairytale. None of the people have ever seen the cloud, but she knows it well. And she fought it, with courage and hope in life.

#

Perhaps you are reading this now, visit the depths of your heart. Maybe a cloud lingers, maybe not. But it is important to always take good care of yourself. Above all, mental health matters.

I'm not a good writer, but believe me, I'm a good person. I am hoping for your happiness. Please stay happy and healthy!

-Gwynn