WASTE - OUTER BANKS

five - i care too much

Marina woke up twice in the middle of the night to vomit.

She had to awkwardly step over JJ to get to the bathroom, but she didn't want to wake him. He looked so peaceful sprawled out across the hallway, his limbs outstretched to every corner and occasional snores escaping his mouth.

Mari woke up for good around noon, feeling only slightly like she wanted to die. The night was coming back to her in bits and pieces and her head was pounding. The last thing she clearly remembered was making out with Ben. She knew there was a fight and she could see flashes of it, but had no idea what order any of it occured in. And she had no idea how she got back to the chateau.

The pogues were outside on the hammocks and seemed a little surprised to see her.

"For real Mari," Kie said, "I thought you were going to die last night."

Everyone laughed except Pope.

"Alcohol poisoning is a real thing," he said, "people seriously die from it."

"Come on, Pope," JJ said, "pogues have nine lives. We're like cats."

The pogues filled in Marina's fuzzy memories from the previous night. After they mentioned it, she vaguely started to remember the ride back to the chateau. In the back of the twinkie, leaning against JJ. That's a moment she would have liked to be sober for.

Marina's phone rang. It was Ben.

"It's my mom," she lied, "she's probably just wondering why I wasn't home earlier."

She ran inside to take the call.

"Ben?" She said.

"Oh, thank god. I was worried you weren't gonna answer."

"Why are you calling me?"

"I just wanted to check in on you," he said sincerely. It almost sounded like he had been crying, "...and to apologize for last night. Things got totally out of hand."

"Ben," she said, "is the cocaine like a new thing or - "

Now he was really crying.

"I've been trying to stop, I know I have a problem but I'm working on it."

Marina didn't respond. Ben kept talking.

"I can't do this without you. I know getting over this is gonna be hard and without you in my life, I don't think I can do it. Shit, Mar, I still love you," he said through tears.

Now Marina was holding back tears. Even after everything he did to her, Ben was still the same Ben that flirted with Marina when she was an acne covered thirteen year old. He was the same Ben that helped her sneak out of her bedroom window so they could hang out on the beach in the middle of the night together. And for over two years, Ben was the only person that really understood her.

"What if I came over tonight?" She asked.

"Seriously?" he said, "I would love that. You don't understand how fucking much I miss you."

Mari turned around to see JJ standing in the doorway. He heard enough that he looked visibly upset about it.

"Okay, I'll call you later," Mari said abruptly before hanging up.

"You're not fucking going to his house tonight," JJ said, arms crossed as he leaned agaisnt the door frame.

"Watch me," she said.

"Mari I know you were technically at the party last night, but you weren't really there mentally - "

"JJ - "

"Nope, you're gonna listen to me on this one," he said, "because what I saw at the party was Ben and Rafe Cameron pour beer down your throat until you couldn't talk, Ben practically gave you a hand job in front of the whole party, then he and Rafe and all their sleazebag friends tried to take you home without your permission."

Mari shrugged and rolled her eyes, "You're being dramatic."

"Go outside and ask anyone else!" he screamed, "They will tell you the same exact story."

"At least Ben paid attention to me last night," she said quickly.

"Because he's manipulating you! Considering you are such a smart person, Mari, I don't understand how you haven't picked up on this one."

"He's doing coke. He needs help," Marina said quietly, eyes watering.

JJ's face softened. He tried to step closer, but Mari just backed up.

"It is not your responsibility to help him," he said.

"Yes it is. I'm the only sane person he has. I dated him for two years, you can't just expect me to cut him out of my life."

JJ laughed. But it was a sarcastic, mean laugh.

"Yes I can. Because that's exactly what you did to me."

Marina didn't have the energy to respond. He was right, but she would roll over and die before she admitted it. She couldn't look him in the eyes.

JJ broke the silence, "If you're doing this to get back at me because I didn't tell you about Ben cheating - "

"You know what I think is funny, JJ? How you think every goddamn thing is about you."

"Seriously, I was trying to protect you. I didn't want you to be upset," he said.

"JJ, if you ever cared about me, you would have told me the minute you found out."

"That's the problem!" he said, "I care too much about you."

Time stopped. Marina wanted to record the moment and rewind it just to hear him say those words again.

Sometimes, especially before Ben, Marina would daydream about what it would be like when JJ finally admitted he had feelings for her. Would they be surfing? Fishing? Or would they be at a party where a drunken hook up forced them to admit what they both always knew deep down. No matter what situation, her daydreams always had a happy ending.

In her daydreams, she never felt this impending dread she was feeling as the two of them stood in the chateau. Now it was real. And now that it wasn't a daydream, she couldn't control it. That was terrifying.

"JJ," she said.

"Forget I said that," he said, his face cast toward the floor as he slowly backed toward the door, "but the reason I came in here in the first place was John B is having some people over tonight, I was sent here to invite you."

"I don't think I should, I need a night off. Clearly my tolerance level is not ready to handle the true pogue lifestyle," she said, trying to break the tension but miserably failing.

JJ nodded, "Just promise me you won't go to Ben's tonight."

Mari shrugged, "I can't. Pogues don't lie to other pogues."

She went back outside to thank everyone for taking care of her at the party, then left.

After dinner, she went to Ben's. They had sex. He told her how much he loved her and all the reasons he thought they needed each other. Being with Ben felt good. It made Mari feel normal and it made her feel like someone loved her.

Ben didn't talk about the cocaine or the party, not once.

But when he asked her to stay the night, Marina couldn't bring herself to say yes. All she could think about was how appealing her own bed sounded. Not a couch at the chateau, and certainly not Ben's bed with his stupid grey comforter - but her own bed.

Mari's mom and dad were surprised to see her home early. Her mom made chocolate chip cookies and she watched old TV show reruns with them before going to bed at eleven. She convinced herself it was better than any party at John B's.

As she tried to fall asleep, Mari thought about what JJ said earlier, and tried to daydream of ways it could have gone better. She couldn't think of any.