Short Stories From My Fucked Up Life

Anxiety

I'm doing the dishes, my arms deep in the warm, soapy water. My mom isn't home and my dad's working in the field, leaving me alone with my five younger siblings. My sisters are screaming at each other and my brothers are fighting. I tried long ago to attempt to make them work it out or at least take it outside. I can feel the adrenaline slowly creeping into my arms, into my legs. My throat starts to tighten and my chest compresses. I finally, finally finish the dishes and drain the water.

"You guys, go outside or stop fighting!" I hollered, failing to capture anyone's attention. I start pacing the kitchen, moving. Somehow trying to force the adrenaline out of me. I stick my thumb in my mouth and start biting down on it hard, attempting to distract myself from the mental battle to prevent having an attack. It didn't work. I bit down hard. I moved my legs faster. The noise was too much it was slamming into my head and my chest like a football player slamming himself into another. I need to get out of my head. I cant. There's too much going on. I could just go outside. Leave them alone. 

I stop moving. But what if something happens? What if the bookshelf fell on top of him? What if she went halfway up the stairs and fell down head first? I shook my head and continued my never ending cycle. I need to get out of my head. Calm down I tell myself. Calm down it's fine. There's no threat. But was there? I cant just force myself to calm down it doesn't work like that. Calm down, I tell myself. I bite down on my thumb as a tear slips out and I wipe it away quickly. 

Finally, everyone goes outside. They're done fighting. Its quiet. But the adrenaline keeps going. Its rushing and coursing through my veins, forcing my throat to tighten. I cant breathe. I put my hand on the fridge, leaning against it gasping hard. I cant breathe. I breathe faster and no matter how much oxygen I get into my lungs it isn't enough to satisfy the compression in my chest. I start to panic. Am I dying? Is this my time? I cant breathe. My body starts shaking, convulsing, trying to shake out the poison called adrenaline. Adrenaline's good right? It's what helps you stay alive. But in this moment, this point in time, it's poison. Adrenaline is not my friend and it is out to get me. I cant breathe. It wants to watch me self sabotage. It wants to watch me burn in a fiery pit of hell, from the inside out.., designed especially for me. 

Is this hell? I think it is. It's my hell. Its the hell I have to live through every single day. Its the hell that causes me to break down and push people away who only want the best for me. 

My body rages with a fire only few people know of. People who don't understand it, they say just calm down. You're fine. There's nothing to fear. Why are you anxious, I should make you feel safe...

This...this is hell.

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side note:

yes, i experienced this exactly. I hope to god someone who doesn't understand anxiety sees this and it helps them understand. we cant control it. we cant stop it. it controls us. make it easier on people who have anxiety and create a safe space. if they tell you what triggers it avoid those things. just be kind to all human beings. everyone is going through some kind of struggle and you don't know what it is. even if they have a good life, they can still have depression or anxiety. its caused by many things. 

be kind <3