I Don't Love You

Chapter 7: Pre--

He sat still as he watched how time moved past him. The sudden gust of wind and paper rustling in his hands took his attention back to his surroundings. Steadying the pages of his book with his fingers before closing it with a gentle thud, leaving a small purple tassel out as a reminder of where he last read the book. Of course, the tassel was given by somebody he held dear. He smiled, placing the small book down on the table as he looked across from where he was sitting. 

It was the same sitting arrangement; where his beloved and he sat during their last conversation, right before their 'misunderstanding'. The smile faded, turning the Lan sect leader's face into a worrying one as he remembered the slashes and marks on his beloved's back. It was painful to see it. Those big and long scars looked painful even when he knew it had healed completely. It was too similar and it worried him.

Worried that Jiang Wanyin did experience the pain that his own little brother felt. Afraid those scars might burst open with the slightest harsh movement his beloved often did. After all, he had seen how it affected his brother. How it could be infected if not tended properly despite knowing those were old scars.

His gaze lowered slowly to his hands. His mind wandered back to when he was desperately holding the other sect leader's hands after their talk. Everything wasn't right and nothing was going where he thought it was going to be. His words, actions even gazes were interpreted as something else by the person whom he thought knew him well. But, who did he think he was? Even to Jiang Wanyin, the sect leader he claimed to love, Lan Xichen was still a stranger. Almost a little out of place and completely different from Jin Guang—

Lan Xichen took a deep breath in. Dismissing the mind that bothered him. The mind that tried to compare Jiang Wanyin with the previous sect leader Jin. It wasn't fair; nothing was fair in this situation they were in. And, it definitely wasn't fair for Jiang Wanyin to be compared to someone who was long gone from this world. Definitely someone like Lianfang-zun.

Both were two very different people and shouldn't be differentiated. Could not be because they were both very important to him in their own ways. Maybe in ways, Lan Xichen himself didn't want to admit yet.

He sighed, relieving his shoulders from the tension it was building. Lan Xichen needed to do it and the sooner he checked on his beloved, the better it would be for him. Because he knew, how unsafe it was for him to be in the same room as someone he loved. So, he moved. Lan Xichen moved from his seat and stood up, leaving as his eyes glanced at the inner bedroom. He walked, steps light on the ground as he closed the distance to where Jiang Wanyin once closed the door on his face. His fingers were on the handle, holding it yet not opening it at all. It stayed there for a good while as the sect leader gathered his final thoughts.

The door creaked when his hand decided to move it. The room was quiet and dim, yet once his eyes had adjusted to the light, he could see where exactly his beloved was. Lan Xichen smiled, not a happy or bright one that he usually gave out but a small and ashamed one. It was true that he couldn't hide the small happiness inside his heart at the fact that his beloved felt safe to put down his defenses enough to be able to sleep. But, the actions that he took, it didn't reflect what a sect leader should be. None of what he had been doing reflected what his responsibilities should be.

It was his fault — his failures as a sect leader, a human, and an alpha. As a sect leader, Lan Xichen should have respected other people's privacy, importantly, other sect leader's privacy. He should have minded his own business yet he failed. What he did was exactly the opposite when it came to Jiang Wanyin's privacy. He disregarded the man's wish to be left alone all because he was afraid for his beloved to be hurt.

Harmed if he weren't there with him.

Yet, he didn't see that it was his love that suffocated him. Lan Xichen was the cause of his beloved's pain, and he was blind to it. He didn't see how his love was suffering because of him. Because of his ambiguous words.