random kagehina

im sorry

Hello to anyone reading this, I'm sorry but as much as I wish to I'm not goin start this with a happy tune. I'm sorry that it's taken so long to get any of my books updated but I've been battling my demons for a while now. Recently with the virus outbreak I've been working non stop and its hitting me hard that I'm so stuck in an endless cycle of fear, anxiety, stress and being exhausted practically everyday and it's hand to escape it. However it's got me thinking more about things going on with me, body and mind.it took a while for me to stop trying to deny the fact of myself that I didn't really want to address...however with the support of my best friend who I will forever see as my baby brother an my loving boyfriend who helped me come to turned with the fact that I didn't necessarily hate myself as a whole, but the fact that I didn't feel comfortable being called female. And as stupid as some may think for me it was hard to even work up the courage to tell my own partner, that had told me just last year that he too was male, I wasn't scared of rejection because he's always supported me even when I've been so distant in trying to hide what i tried to ignore. And I know someone will probably come along and comment something about how it's not really something you can ignore...yeah I know but being brought up in a household that has a loving mother and 4 great siblings and a dad that probably hates my existence. You tend to become hard hearted and a genuinely stubborn person filled with demonic thought that tell you all the negative feedback that you've ever gotten in life on repeat 24/7 like a broken record player just looping the same screeching till your ears feel like their bleeding. Being constantly compared to your 'perfect' siblings an even some of your 'better off' or 'smarter' friends. It leaves you judging and picking at your every wrong move and thought, constantly second guessing yourself to the point you have no idea what the relationship you is like. I'm sorry to those who read this and have had it worse than me and as much as I say I know how you feel I'm still saying sorry. Your perfect, your amazing and honestly I wish even just for a minute they I could meet you and give you the biggest hug heck I'd gladly call you part of my funked up family. I'm happy to say I'm a boy through and through...an when this is all over I'll be finally able to go see my boyfriend who has gave me courage, endless love and support. I'm still battling my demons bit for now I've overcome one it's just a matter of perseverance and determination that can hopefully get me through my struggles...one thing for sure is that I've found my people...and I'll find a lot more of you as time goes by and I'm okay with that. I've even had this one plan that's keeping me slightly sane an that's my boyfriend...because with this virus outbreak It's become increasingly obviously that I'm completely and utterly in love with this boy and I want nothing more than to spend every waking moment with him...and so I plan to marry him and yes many people will probably think we're rushing into thing since we've only been together for a year but that's okay because only we can make that decision and fingers crossed he says yes because I'm nervous as long funk to do it...but I'll wait till the time and day is right.
Hopefully, I can get some writing done but bare with me guys and gals am remember to stay safe ✍✌💌🙏