Engraved

2. Boxer

Hi! I'm sorry that updates have been slow, I'm trying to put quality over quantity and publish 1000+ words per chapter, so it's been a snail-like process. Anyways, this is a bit heavy but don't worry, our main boy will meet our main girl soon!

As always, thank you so much for reading!

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As soon as the recording stopped, everything blurred. Jeongin, Felix, Seungmin, and Jisung all formed a protective circle around him, knowing he was close to breaking down and not wanting heavy camera coverage at the moment. Bang Chan, and Changbin and Minho who followed him for support, joined their managers in crowding around the host, who had tried to slip out without anyone noticing and had clearly been caught. Hyunjin wanted to know what they were saying, but the other members surrounded him, ushering him out of the room and outside into the wall of cameras and screaming fans. He knew what they were doing, trying their best to keep his face out of the eyes of the camera lenses, and yet felt better that they were doing it all the same. They clambered into the cars, Hyunjin choosing the backseat away from the prying eyes of the media. Felix sat next to him in the back, and Jisung and Seungmin took the seats in front. Jeongin, he assumed, went to the other car.

Felix placed his hand on Hyunjin's shoulder in an attempt to engage his attention, but the boy just stared at the black leather of the seat in front of him, not wanting to talk about it. He felt bad, of course, for brushing off the member's attempt at empathy, but he really just didn't want to talk. Even if he did, his mouth felt heavy and hard to open.

He just wanted silence, not only from the people around him but on the inside as well. The radio show had been live. Fans had tuned in. The question of his tattoos would be everywhere and anywhere in a matter of hours. It wasn't conceited, he'd seen it happen so many other times, to people he knew and to people he didn't.

They seemed to wait forever for the other members and the managers to leave the studio. Hyunjin knew they were talking about him, but he didn't understand why it was taking so long. They can't put that cat back in the bag, it was out already. Fans everywhere would soon know he was hiding something. He resisted the urge to take out his phone and search social media sites for people talking about the show. He knew it wouldn't do him any good.

The rising screams of the fans outside indicated that the other members and the managers were coming out of the studio. He saw the sliding door to the van open and Chan stuck his head inside.

"Felix, can I switch seats with you?" He asked.

Hyunjin had expected Chan to come and try to talk to him, but he didn't expect it to be so soon. Usually the members gave him some space for a while after something like this happened. He tried to ignore it as the boys clambered over the seats and Felix relocated to the other car. Chan sat next to him, breathing out a long sigh and staring at his hands. He didn't say anything, but Hyunjin knew he was probably about to get politely scolded by the elder boy.

The car thrummed to life and they pulled out of the parking space, now puttering down the busy streets of downtown Seoul. None of the occupants of the car spoke. The two boys in the front were on their phones, undoubtedly trying to give the backseat occupants privacy.

After getting a few minutes away from the building, Chan began.

"Hyunjin... I'm sorry about what happened."

The boy tried to lean into Hyunjin's field of vision, but he just turned his head to stare out the window. He didn't want to see the disappointment in his leader's eyes. He grunted his acceptance of the apology, it wasn't like Chan was at fault here. Quite frankly, Hyunjin should be thanking him for saving the moment.

"Look, the managers and I talked, and they told me to come check up on you. People are worried about you. Fans have expressed concern, saying you look stressed and unhappy."

"I am stressed and unhappy," He said without even thinking. Something about Chan made him just want to spill his feelings out like ink on paper.

"I understand, but at some point, you just have to accept-"

"Accept what, hyung?" His sadness had hardened into a sharp spear of jealousy. "That I will never be loved while I watch the rest of you decorate your skin with pictures symbolizing just how much more everyone adores you more than me? That I don't matter to anyone that would call me more than a bandmate, a brother? Am I wrong for wanting more than that?" Hyunjin's sight began to blur as he fought back all the emotions tied to this subject.

"Hy-" Chan tried to stop him, but Hyunjin's words wouldn't quit tumbling out of his mouth.

"You don't understand, Chan. You got your first tattoo when you were 13. You can't say shit to me about how I feel. I'm 19, about to turn 20, and yet I am blank. I have no one and nothing. You at least have something. Or rather, had."

Hyunjin knew as soon as he said it that he'd crossed a line. "Hyung, I'm sorry. I-"

"Hyunjin," Chan breathed, as if mustering up strength. "They're talking about putting you on hiatus. And if you don't improve there, terminating your contract."

The meaning of those words took a moment to sink in. The gravity of the situation hit him like a brick. No. They were all he had. Performing was all he had. The fans, they kept him going. He couldn't lose that. His heart began to beat faster, and he could feel the strings being tugged by all the emotion he was suddenly feeling all at once.

"Chan no, please, I can't-" His words stumbled together. "Don't let them, please."

The elder boy gave him a grave stare. "I've pushed them away from the idea for months now. If your act doesn't shape up, there isn't much more I can do."

Hyunjin couldn't think straight, hot tears were pooling in his vision, thick and salty and threatening to stain his cheeks.

"You know we all care about you, and none of us want to see you like this, Jinnie. Please, we just want to help you," the blonde haired boy put a hand on the younger's shoulder in an attempt to console him.

Hyunjin knew it wasn't Chan's fault, but he slapped the boy's hand away from him. "You're just going to let them kick me out huh? You chose me to be here Chan. I'm a part of the team!"

"You are a part of the team! You're just not yourself right now, Hyunjin!" From the look on his face, Chan knew saying that had been a mistake, that raising his voice had been a slip up. But Hyunjin couldn't keep his anger from snaking out of his mouth.

"Not myself, huh?! Maybe this is how I've always been! And always will be!" He looked the elder boy right in the eyes, trying to hold back his words but failing. "Maybe you made a mistake choosing me then, if I'm such a let down."

A beat of silence fell over the car.

"Is all of this just about not having tattoos? You know you don't need one to know that all of us care about you, right?" Chan's eyes were searching his, trying to find that place in his heart where he hurt the most. The vulnerability was too much for Hyunjin, and his anger reared its ugly head and struck where it knew it would hurt the other boy the most.

"I guess you're right, hyung. I mean, that tattoo above your elbow is just meaningless. I mean, it's not like she's ever coming back."

Like a snap, the two other boys in the car whipped their heads around to look at him, and then to Chan, who's eyes were wide, as if he'd been stabbed. Tears began to form in his eyes, and although he tried to hide it by turning away and staring out the window. But it wasn't enough to completely hide exactly how deep that cut had been.

"Hyunjin, that was too far," said Seungmin, while Jisung went to console the eldest.

He had to get out, and get out fast. He couldn't believe what he had done.

The cars had pulled up to an intersection, and right as the vehicle stopped moving, Hyunjin sprang for the door, sliding it open with a force he didn't know he had, and jumping out before anyone knew what was happening. He took off into a sprint.

He could hear them calling his name, but he couldn't even bring himself to look back.