It's Harder Before It's Easier

Chapter 4

How do you deal with losing someone you love? Seeing them hurting for so long and you can't do anything about it. 

The feeling of uselessness far worse than the feeling of emptiness that I've felt over the past month. 

We cancelled the tour with no explanation, I didn't want the world to know.

It feels like everything has just stopped, this whole month feeling like I'm stuck inside ice. 

Everyone's different, everyone who knew her was acting different. It's so clear. 

No one has been trying to hide it.

Everyone is constantly walking on egg shells and I think their feet are starting to hurt. 

It's like watching a horror film but the aftermath of it. You know, the parts they don't show. The families grieving, vigils, communities stopping. 

But there's nothing anyone can do to make this better. A band aid won't fix this and a therapist couldn't even put a dent in my emotions.

The house is really quiet, the lights are barely turned on. 

The boys are confused, not sure what's really been going on. It's hard on them, it's hard on us all. 

I replay that conversation the doctor had with me over and over again, before he told her. It almost seems like something you see in a movie, but it's reality for me. It's real and I'm living it. 

My head snapped up when I heard the door bell ring, I hadn't even realized I was staring at the tv, the off tv.

I slowly got up, everyone bone in my body creaking as I walked toward the door.

"Hey mate, here to get the boys." Liam smiled walking in.

"Thanks again. It's just been too much with them here. They've been going crazy, I guess it's expected." I shrugged as I heard the two come rushing down the stairs. They greeted Liam with their big cheesy smiles and hugs. "Be good you two."

"Ni, if you need anything, any help just give one of the boys a call. They'll be happy to come over." Liam gave me one last reassuring smile before he left with the boys. They've been over Liam's a lot this past month. He has all those video games they like to distract them.

I shut the door and trailed into the kitchen opening the fridge and pooring a glass of water before heading upstairs. 

The only light that was ever on up here was the dim light that came from the electric grandfather clock at the end of the hall and the strips of light from under the doors of the kids rooms.

I got to the door opened it, pitch dark as usual. A light hasn't been on in here since we got back. Night stays night.

I felt my way over to the bed and sat down on the edge across from the rocking chair. 

I took a deep breath, my rib cage feeling like glass. Like it could snap with any breath I took. Sometimes I thought it would.

My hands always shook and my head always felt rattled with thoughts. It's been lonely, but it shouldn't be.

"Here, drink this." I reached over and put the cup in front of her hand waiting for her to grab it. She eventually does as usual and takes only two sips before giving it back to me. As usual. I stare at her, what I can see of her anyway. 

She doesn't wear her hair down anymore. 

"Liam came and took the boys over to go play some of those video games they like." I told her hoping to get a least a little smile. "They miss you, they haven't seen you since we got off the plane. They need their mother."

I waited for anything, any sign of feeling. "Don't shut them out, don't do that to them. It'll only hurt them. They worry about you, they're scared and confused and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling the same way."

It was like talking to a goddamn brick wall for a month. 

"Kaylee, you're their mother." 

"I don't want to hurt them." She whispered, I could barely hear as I leaned closer hoping for more, anything. This was the most she's said in a month, to me, to any of the therapist that have come in. She hasn't even spoken to Riley.

"Then try, try and get up and leave this room and interact with them before you lose them."

"Like I lost them." It was so faint it could've been mistaken for just the wind. "I lost them."

"What do you mean? Tell me." I begged, this was progress and I'll take it. "Tell me."

"I'm a murderer. Don't you get it? I'm the worst kind, selfish. I killed our babies just so I could live, Niall. I killed them."

"No you didn't. We made a decision that would be best for the family. You're not a murderer. You are a caring mother who has two beautiful boys that need you, Kaylee."

"No, Niall." She grabbed my hand and stared me directly in the eyes for the first time since she'd told the doctors what we were going to do. "I killed your babies."

Okaaayyyyyyy soooooooooOoOOoO.... wow. This is just a little bit cause I didn't want to keep you guys dying on a cliffhanger but a longer more in depth chapter is on it's way... :) comment and vote!