It's Harder Before It's Easier

Chapter 5

"C'mon boys, finish your cereal. You're going to be late for school." I hurried both of them along as I scurried around the kitchen throwing all their snacks in their lunchbags.

"I'm tired of frosted flakes." Nat groaned moving the spoon around his bowl as it became soggy.

"I'm sorry bud. I don't have time to make much else, I have to get you two ready and pack lunch and make sure all your homeworks done. Tomorrow I'll make pancakes promise." I smiled tusseling Benny's hair. "And this reminds me, you need a haircut."

I walked out into the front room and put everything in their backpacks and laid out their coats. It was hard, it was like I was a single dad. I keep telling myself that one day she'll walk downstairs and help me make them breakfast and we can all smile and laugh again as a family but I'm starting to lose hope.

"Ben, Nat let's go!" I yelled searching for my keys.

"Dad, they're in your back pocket." Nat rolled his eyes slipping into his coat. "Can I stay after school today? Marco is having a wiffle ball game in the gym and asked if I would be on his team."

"Uh, till what time?" I asked breathlessly as I wrestled with benny to get his coat on. Nat just shrugged as we all trailed out the door into the car.

"Daddy, can we all watch a movie tonight?" Benny asked as I basically sped down the street, already late for school.

"Sure, bud. What movie did you have in mind?" I asked glancing in the rearview mirror.

"Happy feet. It's on Disney Channel tonight and I want to watch it with you and Nat and Mommy." He smiled looking excited. The boys vaguely knew what was going on but thanks to the boys they stay distracted.

"Mhm, yeah that sounds like fun. I'm sure mommy would love to." 

"You're lying dad. She's not going to watch with us benny." Nat looked over at his little brother and Ben immediatly started to tear up. 

"Yes she will Nat." I stopped the car in front of the school and hopped out to get benny out of his seat. "Don't worry, I'll talk to mommy and we'll all watch it. Don't get upset." I smiled wiping his eyes as I unbuckled his seat belt. He gave me a solemn nod as we walked into the school where I once again apologized for being late. 

"Oh my god." I sighed once I was back in the car, my head against the steering wheel. 

I got back home and cleaned up the breakfast mess before making Kaylee the breakfast she barely ate. 

"Kayls." I whispered walking into the room with the plate and mug. She was still lying on her side in bed although I know she wasn't sleeping. I flicked on the light and heard a small sound come from her as I placed everything on the nightstand. "Here babe."

She opened her eyes and looked up at me. They looked so raw and blue. So clean yet sad. "So today on the way to school Benny said he wants you to watch happy feet with us." I smiled as she stared at me. Sometimes I thought there was nothing in there. Just two empty eyes looking at me. 

I waited for something, anything. Recently she's been kind of responding. More than she has in the past few weeks. "I think it would be good. What do ya think?"

She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face in her hands shaking her head. "Okay, Kaylee listen to me." I grabbed her hands away from her eyes and grabbed her chin making her look at me. "If you don't start to try and be apart of this family again and you don't start coming downstairs and leaving this room then I'm calling a therapist or doctor or whatever I need to do to make you right. This is not you and I know it because I've known you and loved you for a long time now and I'm not going to let you sit up here while I raise our two beautiful children by myself." I watched her eyes as the welled up.

"You're not the only one who last the babies. I did too, they were mine too. We made the choice we had to and it's neither of our faults. I'm sorry if this is going to upset you but I can't do this much longer and I can't take you acting like your the only one who is hurt in this goddamnit. I'm fucking breaking thinking about the two beautiful girls we could have had but I would have never picked them over you because you have two boys who need a mother whether you like it or not. So please, for me and them get it together cause I'm falling apart." I let go of her chin and she reached out to grab my hand, placing it on her cheek where a tear rolled over my finger tips.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was hushed and croaky as her eyes became blurry.

"Show me you are." I pulled my hand away and kissed her cheek where it was and got up. "Show me that you mean it." 

~
"See that." I pointed to Nat who was currently running all the bases after he hit a homerun. "That'll be you too." I nudged benny and he gave me a giddy smile. 

"You think so?" He asked excitedly bouncing up and down. I gave him a big thumbs up as the gym teacher who was supervising the game blew his whistle.

"Alright! Game over! Good game boys, see you tomorrow." All the boys cleaned up the equitment and scattered all over the gym to where their parents were.

"Nice game bud." I pulled Nat into a hug and he immediatly pushed off, his face flushed and embarrassed. "Right, sorry! sorry! Uncool dad." I laughed walking them out of the gym. "How about going to get some hot dogs?"

"Yeah!" Benny jumped up into the car. "My favorite."

"Me too." I winked poking his stomach. We made our way over to hanks hot dog hut where I downed 5, Nat 3 and benny a whole hot dog! "Wow Ben, that's a new record."

"Yeah, I don't feel so good though." He pouted taking a sip of soda. "We're still watching happy feet tonight right?" He asked as I picked him up and carried him to the car.

"Duh, we'll make it home just in time." 

"And what about mommy?" I looked down at him as I was buckling him into his car seat. I gave him a small smile and patted his head closing the door.

I don't know what I'm going to do if Kaylee doesn't come downstairs and watch this movie. It's gone too far and she needs help if it's going to go any further.

By the time we got home and the boys changed into their movie watching pajamas it was just about starting. "Uh dad!" Benny pushed on me as I tried to sit down. I gave him a confused look as he made a popping noise with his mouth. 

"Duh, popcorn." 

"And where's mommy?" 

"I don't know. Maybe she's too tired." I glanced up the stairs and the hallway was pitch black. "Hey look, it's starting. I'll go make the popcorn." I jogged into the kitchen and pulled out the bag, unfolding it and putting it in the microwave pressing the popcorn button. I leaned over the counter and watched as the bag started to puff up, filling with hot air. 

I promised Benny that she would watch this and Nat already thinks she doesn't care. I don't want him to think that for too long. 

Or else maybe I will too. 

Once the microwave beeped I poured the popcorn into our big movie bowl and tossed lots of salt on it. Something both Kaylee and I passed onto our kids, salt lovers.

"Dad look!" I walked back into the room and Benny was standing up excited pointing. I followed his finger and saw Kaylee coming into the living room. "Mommy!" Benny rushed over to her and jumped up, wrapping his arms tight around her neck.

I looked over at Nat, my eyebrow raised in a 'i told you so' way. He smiled and rolled his eyes going to give Kaylee a big hug too.  I guess it wasn't embarassing hugging your mom. "I knew you'd come." Benny grinned as we made our way over to the couch. We all sat down. Kaylee and I in the middle the two boys on either of our sides.

"Of course, wouldn't miss it for the world." She leaned down and kissed Benny's head. "Sorry mommy has been missing. She's back now and I'm not going anywhere."

"Good." I mumbled leaning over to kiss her.

"Ew gross." Benny gagged looking up at us.

"What's gross is this!" She mocked running her fingers through his unruly hair. "You need a haircut." 

aw yay kaylee is back!!! comment vote for the next chapter!!!