Mermaid

The 12 Reasons Why

  Six weeks, two days, and 7 hours. That's how long it had been since Josie had been admitted to this facility. That's how long it had been since Josie had seen her friends, her home, and Penelope. That's how long it had been since Josie could look in the mirror and see anything but a giant, formless blob. She hated it here. She hated the overly cheery doctors, and the twenty other patients, and the smell of food that permeated the whole ward. It seemed like there was food everywhere here, and Josie could do nothing to escape it. If she didn't eat, she didn't go home. And Josie wanted to go home. If she had to stay here any longer, she was likely to lose her damn mind. The only good part of her day was when she was able to call her family. Lizzie kept her up to date with school drama, gossip, and all the other things that she cared about and Josie didn't (she listened anyway because she missed hearing her sister's voice). Hope found new jokes to tell her every day, and it was the only thing that Josie smiled about these days. Her parents never called, visiting her every other Thursday and on the weekends. She enjoyed these visits, especially because she hadn't seen both her parents in the same vicinity in a long time. Penelope never called, and they wouldn't allow her to visit, but her parent's always brought her a letter during their visits, her name scrawled on it in Penelope's handwriting. After they'd leave she'd return to her room and rip it open, reading the letter in the dim hospital lighting.

  Seeing Penelope's words was always comforting. She'd write about what was happening in Josie's favorite tv shows, and about the funny things that were happening in class and at practice. She would write updates about their friends, and remind her of how much they missed her. But, most importantly, she wrote about how much she missed Josie. She sent quotes that she found in books that reminded her of Josie, and she reminded her how beautiful she was. She told Josie all the things that she was looking forward to doing with her when Josie returned; And, at the end of each letter, she put one more reason that Josie should love herself. In the six weeks she had been here, she had twelve reasons that Penelope had given her:

"1.) You are the most intelligent person I've ever met. All of the knowledge you have about the world, and people, and literature- baby, I could listen to you talk all day.
2.) You do everything with so much passion. You put 100 percent of yourself into every single thing you do, and you care about everyone around you so deeply. (Maybe it's time to put that energy into yourself, Jojo.)
3.) You are so talented. Not just in swimming- which you already know you're great at- but in so many other things as well. You're a great listener, and you give the best hugs. You always have this way of knowing exactly what to say or do. You're gifted with intuition, Josie, but you really should tune in to your self first.
4.) You are so loved, Josie. Me, your sister, your mom and dad, Hope, the team- there are so many people here to support you. We would do anything for you, Jojo- don't be afraid of asking for help when you need it. It doesn't make you weak, baby girl- it just gives you more strength than what is already inside you.
5.) You deserve happiness, Josie. You deserve sunny skies, and positivity, and love in your life, of course, but most of all you deserve to be happy. Your smile is the most beautiful thing about you. You should wear it more often. Every day might not be the best, and I'm not going to pretend they will, but there is the best part of every day. But, even on your worst days, I will strive to make them a little better for you.
6.) You are my sunshine, Josie. You are my best part of every day. There is no one else in this world that is like you. Just thinking of you now makes me happy. I've never felt anything like that before you. I never really had much of a family, but you showed me what that type of unconditional love feels like. You gave me purpose. And there is so much purpose to your life, too.
7.) Everyone has bad days, Jojo; It's okay to not be okay. I know you feel like you have to be strong and put on this brave face for everyone, but it's okay to let yourself be vulnerable. No one will think less of you for it, especially not the people that genuinely care about you. Sometimes we have to fall to be able to get back up, Josie. Fall; We'll be there to help you back up.
8.) Some people might have opinions on you because they do not know you well enough to understand your value. Don't listen to them. You are worth so much more than their empty words. In the end, no one's opinion of you matters except your own. I'm hoping these reasons will influence you to see yourself in a different light.
9.) Nothing in this world is worth hurting yourself over, Josie. It kills me knowing that you felt so much pain that you began self-destructing. It pains me to know you had to go through that alone. Instead of destroying something, try creating instead. I know, I know- completely cliché. But it works. It doesn't have to be a masterpiece, but it will give you a way to express yourself healthily.
10.) Your future is so bright, Josie. I know you have such big dreams, and I know you will reach every one of them. The biggest thing standing in your way is yourself. You can do anything that you want to, Jojo. And I'll support you every step of the way.
11.) You're not a number, Josie. You're not a statistic or a number on a scale. You're beautiful exactly as you are, inside and out. There's nothing you have to change for anyone; Even that little voice that keeps telling you that you do.
12.) You belong here. You were put on the earth for a reason, even if you don't see it yet. If you weren't here, the world would be a different place. When I thought we lost you I couldn't imagine living without you. I don't want to live in a life that doesn't have you in it. You have a place here, always."

  Josie read the reasons over and over, crumpling the letters after opening them so many times. She'd had a lot of people tell her bullshit over the last few weeks- they'd call her pretty, too skinny, a beautiful girl- but Penelope didn't see her for just her appearance. She saw all the things that Josie had hated about herself, and she had shown Josie that she loved them anyway. That she loved her, despite the problems that Josie had dragged her into. Hearing them from Penelope almost made Josie believe them. She wished she could just get better- for her family, for Penelope, for herself- but it was so hard. The "better" they said Josie had become, the more she hated herself. All of the hard work she had done was being erased before her very eyes. The definition on her stomach and her collarbones were fading, she felt uncomfortably full most of the time, and she knew she was gaining the weight back. It frustrated her, and she cried more nights than she didn't. She felt so alone, but with Penelope's words, the feeling was a little less intense. It reminded her of the days that Penelope had been just words on a page before Josie had begun to bond with the girl behind the neatly written sentences.

 Josie carefully folded up the paper, tucking it back into her journal. So much was changing around Josie, and it terrified her. She still felt angry at herself. She still hated being in this hospital, forced to face her biggest fear- herself. And she still didn't believe Penelope's words or see what the girl saw in her. But, she hoped, maybe one day she would.