Wir Leben

Dear Friend

To: XXXXXXXXX, the girl who broke my heart

We haven't been hitting it off lately. I know XXXXXX kind of ruined our relationship. I apologize on their behalf. They didn't mean what they said. I thought they were just trying to defend me. I had no idea their intentions were worse. I never should have been so blind, so trusting. I know you'll never receive this, and even if you do, you'll pretend like it doesn't exist. Like I don't exist. If that's what you want to do to get things normal in your life, I'm going to support you.

I still have hope we could be in a relationship with each other, a relationship where we don't insult each other. That seems like a stretch at the moment, but maybe we still have a chance. You never know. 

I've heard from a source that XXXXXX hurt you. Just to let you know, I'm never talking to them again. I'm sorry, XXXXXX, if you're reading this. I'm not trying to cause you pain. I'm trying to let you know that I've been enlightened as to who you really are, and I want you to know that my respect for you is over. I prefer XXXXXXXXX over you any time of the day.

XXXXXXXXX, if you actually see this, accept my apology. You don't have to verbally accept it. I just want you to know that I regret doing what I did. I never should have betrayed you like that. I don't want you to hate me for the rest of your life, because I love you. That's probably awkward to read, but I never got the chance to tell you before. Now I fear that it's too late, and our friendship is over. Just want you to know that I'll never stop thinking of you, never stop hoping that we still have a chance.

Remember that one song I used to hum all the time? Perfect For Me? I'm addicted to it. I can't stop thinking about how the lyrics relate to this situation. 

"I know your favourite song. I hear it every day."  Everything I see, hear, or do reminds me of you. I can't help it. You're always going to have that special place in my broken heart.

"Whoever made your smile made it to get in my way." Whoever made your adorably crooked smile, and the dimple on your left cheek, made them just to blind me from the truth. I let you take me to the stars. I didn't realize how reckless I was being until it was too late. 

"And every time you laugh, you make that little sound." I love your laugh, XXXXXXXXX. It's the most amazing music I've ever heard. 

"It's just the hardest thing to love you but not know how." It just kills me that I love you. You who ruined my life. You who are the cause of my depression. Ease my curiosity. Tell me why the hell I love you more than anyone else in the world. 

"So I spend all my nights in the dark and afraid." I spend my days locked up in my room, thinking of you. I never step a foot outdoors anymore. I just stay alone in the dark, scared and broken.

"Cuz I try to forget you, but these things just don't go away." I tried to forget you, and my admiration toward you, but these emotions just don't go away. I've done everything to get you out of my head, but it's hopeless. 

"I hate that you're perfect, perfect for me." I hate that you're the one for me. I wanted someone calm, quiet, and predictable, not someone feisty, not someone who made me dizzy whenever I looked at them. Not someone like you.

"If I didn't know better than I would believe we were made for each other, but I know the truth." I can't believe I once thought we were perfect for each other. I never knew I could be so utterly stupid, and so naive. I now know that we're just not right anymore, and I have no one to blame but myself.

"You're no good for me, I'm no good for you." Maybe, in my dreams, we could be together. Reality is a different story.

"And I hate that you're perfect

You're perfect for me

I hate that you're perfect

Perfect for me"

"What good are words when they always just get in our way?"  What good are the words our "friends" say when we know they're just going to tear us apart? 

"And it hurts the most just to know that you don't feel the same, the same." We used to be in sync. We used to get along. Even when we had different opinions, we could respect each other. In fact, it was our differences that made our relationship interesting. I thought things would always remain the same. We'd always love each other, no matter what got in our way. Well, I know better now. I'm never trusting anyone again.

"So sometimes I get down on my knees and I pray things will change." I cry myself to sleep every night, thinking, God, if you actually exist, give me my friend back. If ever you loved me, make my heart full again. I'm not trying to make you awkward with emotion here. If you hate this, you can stop reading. In fact, you can burn this letter and throw the remaining ashes in the trash can if you want to. 

"But life is what happens when things, they don't work out our way, our way." So, I guess this is goodbye? We'll probably never talk to each other again. It's all my fault. Why is everything all my fault? Nothing helps me anymore. Therapists, parents, cutting. They all make me even sadder. I'm nothing but a depressed freak. XXXXXXXXX, even you think it. I included the rest of the song just for you. Not that you'll care.

"So I spend all my nights in the dark and afraid

Cuz I try to forget you, but these things just don't go away

I hate that you're perfect, perfect for me

If I didn't know better, then I would believe 

We were made for each other, but I know the truth

You're no good for me, I'm no good for you

And I hate that you're perfect, perfect for me

Yeah, I hate that you're perfect, perfect for me"

 I love you. I hope you never forget that. Even though you hate me. I can hear your voice in my head every day, reminding me of what a disappointment I am. I want to make up. I want someone to care. I tried apologizing, but now I know that an apology isn't what you want anymore. I spend so many hours wondering what would happen if I hadn't messed up. I hate myself for making that one mistake, the one mistake that turned my life into a living hell. I try to make myself pay, I try to starve myself, to cut, to give myself what I deserve. I don't want to hurt anyone but myself. Never forget me.

                                                                                           Your friend,

                                                                                                              Alpha