only || Camila/You

eight

Walking into work was a struggle, I had to try and work with a mind absolutely full of thoughts. They were spilling over at this point and my stress was gonna give me gray hairs. I had Dinah at my apartment and I had Shawn only a cubicle away from me. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were, I'd give everything in my life just for it to go back. But it wasn't going to, so, I had to make amends and try. Positive. Gotta stay positi- gross, whatever.

I breathed in deep feeling very uncomfortable due to the tension of Shawn knowing I came in today. I looked over the desk wall and watched him work but it only seemed as if he was staring at his computer. He was seeing what I would do next which only caused me to refrain myself from rolling my eyes. I didn't wanna do this.

"Shawn." I weakly called out his name and he only moved his eyes not even trying to give me the attention.

"Really?" I questioned and he turned his head towards me with no expression.

He was upset.

"Look... I'm sorry." I apologized even if my body was telling me not too.

He didn't budge which caused a twinge of irritation to build up inside me rather quickly.

"I'm sorry for what I did but I'm allowed to say no." I clenched my jaw and his hardened features let up a bit.

"Whenever and wherever I want I'm allowed to say no." I pointed out firmly but he just crossed his arms.

"I'm not upset that you said no." He gently spoke as I started to look around hoping no one was overhearing our conversation.

"I would stop in a heartbeat because I'm not like that." He then shook his head lightly and he looked into my eyes, "Something happened that triggered you and you didn't give me the chance to help you. You won't let me in. You won't let anyone in. Just say you're not ready and don't lead me on." He just frowned and that little ball of irritation just simmered within me as I sat there in disbelief.

"I don't owe you a backstory and I don't have to let you in. I thought I was ready. I'm sorry that I acted out that way but that's all I'm sorry for." I then rolled my chair back into position and I just heard him sigh to himself.

I didn't understand how hard it was to just let someone be. It wasn't hard to understand that not everyone needed a backbone or a shoulder to cry on. I could handle myself. I didn't need anyone to talk me down or give me sympathy when I could continue on with my damn life and help myself out. Talking with someone never helped... at least with me. I didn't need a damn crutch.

"Son of a bitch." I cursed to myself the amount of thoughts going through my brain; but mostly directed it towards the stupid computer that wasn't loading right!

"Woah there." I heard the patronizing voice of Gillian, my boss.

My ears perked up as my eyes widened slightly and I looked towards the voice. Shit.

"Oh, I'm sorr-"

"Keep it up." She gave me a small chuckle after looking at my computer and at that I frowned in deep confusion.

Huh?

"Wha-" I heard Shawn cut himself off immediately when he realized he was speaking out loud.

She ended up walking around the small office looking over her employees shoulders looking at their ongoing work. It reminded me of when I was back in high school and the teacher would roam the class during a test. I hated that feeling. Then I quickly looked back at my computer screen to see what she saw and I felt my heart drop.

"Shit."

It was a dumb entry I had written awhile back about what I had gone through, I just wanted to go over it once more to see if I could pick out what I could to make another article. It wasn't even an entry it was like a stupid online journal that I was told to do by an old therapist. It apparently didn't last long due to the fact, again, I hated talking or writing to people about my past. It could all go away, I wouldn't care.