Fighting Love

Chapter Twenty♣

Let not the agony you carry hinder you from love

TRISA'S POV

It was hard to believe my father was part of a gang. His appearance was far off to ever even indicate it. A little beer belly, and unwelcomed fat here and there was how he had always been. He wasn't even fit and God knows his wardrobe could accommodate a guy twice his size.

I went with Marlon and Troy to collect my family's ashes. It was selfish of me not to keep a funeral but I really couldn't deal with it. I wanted to be over and done with it as soon as possible, so I didn't bother to inform bob and Jessica's family that I was home. I couldn't sleep knowing the ashes of my family were downstairs in urns. They couldn't even get a proper burial. 
My brain was busy wondering things. like, what happened to their souls?
How did it feel to die, to feel the fire burn through your body like a sharp dagger cutting butter? They must've been so scared.

The next morning we went to a  riverside. It was the one we went to every summer. We had picnics and birthdays there. It was the only place we congregated as a family. Tears flooded my face and drenched the mesh of my black dress, piercing me deeply with pain and agony.

It was quite early, and the sun wasn't up yet. The birds were starting to wake up; they sang the most beautiful songs from the treetops. I shivered in the cold morning air, staring out at the motionless river. Troy and Marlon stood beside me with sad looks on their faces. It wasn't pity they were showing, just pure sadness. 

When I was ready, they handed me the urns one by one.  As I poured what was left of the people I loved into the river, the ashes scattered in the wind. It scattered much like the pieces of my heart. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I read the letters I didn't bother to write. "You guys, what a birthday surprise huh?" I sniffed. "Mom, you promised to be there on my wedding day but now you're gone. Brandon, baby brother, could you show me that magic trick right now?" I sprinkled the ashes little by little. Even though it was mixed up, it didn't matter because they were together. "Aunt Sara, aunt serene, uncle Brimar, I miss you. Cousins Sadie and Kemar, aunt Martha your kids never liked me but I miss them too."

I could see Troy and Marlon crying too. They tried hard not to look at me. I didn't care that my face was soaked with tears, I wanted my best friend back. It was unfair of me to go to her funeral, but I couldn't show up knowing I was the reason she was dead. "Jessica, I'm so sorry. I should've come home when you asked me, but I didn't find the time. It's all my fault." I sobbed loudly, sprinkling the last of the ashes. "Pops, you left me in some deep shit, " I sniffed. "How could you? how could you lie to us for so long? I will never forgive you for leaving me all alone."

Troy and Marlon picked up the empty containers and brought them back to the car. while I stayed at the riverbank. I cried until my head started to hurt and my face became stiff with dried tears. 

We drove home in silence and found three men waiting for us. they were the help Troy said was coming. I gave them mom's bedroom since the bed was bigger and I didn't want to go in there anyway. Troy tried to comfort me but I pushed him away. I wanted to suffer the pain before I shoved it to the back of my head and pretend it didn't exist. It was what I did with Briana, I could do it again.

I warned them I didn't even want to hear about what was written in the journal. I didn't want to know what the police had discovered either because none of it could bring them back.

I slept in ma's bed and cuddled into her green blanket. It had aged and torn in some places but still had the feeling that she was the one cuddling me.

Anna called thirty times and I blocked her. Kate called twenty-two times then I blocked her likewise and Maya called fifteen times and I blocked her as well. I locked myself in my brother's room and ignored Troy and Marlon's demands to get me out for food and whatnot.