Something - Quinn Fabray

Chapter 88

Ryan let Quinn have her space, trusting that when she was ready, she'd come talk to him. His patience paid off when late Friday evening, he opened the front door to find her standing there. He offered her a small smile, making no comment about her slightly frazzled hair and teary eyes.

"Do you want to come in?" he asked.

"Actually... can we stay out here?"

He nodded, gesturing at her to sit on the bench on the porch. She did, and he sat down next to her, leaving a bit of space between them. It was a nice night, and they sat there quietly for a moment before Ryan cleared his throat. "Do you... want anything? A drink or something?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm... I'm okay." She took a breath. "I just want to talk. About... you know."

Ryan nodded. "Okay." There was another moment of silence.

Quinn cleared her throat, looking down. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "For the way I reacted when - when I found out." She folded her arms. "I don't react well to things I don't like."

"It's your character flaw," Ryan nodded.

"Yeah, well." She was quiet for a beat. "I got... scared."

Ryan hadn't expected that. "Scared?" He'd been expecting something along the lines of I don't want to be with someone who thinks suicide is a way out.

"I can't imagine my life without you," she admitted. "You helped me so much two years ago, and a lot of who I am now is because you were there for me. If you had..." She shook her head. "If you hadn't been there, I don't know how I would have dealt with everything. I would have self-destructed eventually. And it scares the hell out of me that I almost lost you before I even really met you."

His face fell in realization, and he felt even more horrified over what he'd said to her. "Quinn..."

She looked up, blinking away tears. "And God, it kills me to think that it was my fault. Maybe not just me, but I played a part. And I wish I could take it back, I wish I had been a better person back then, but I can't, and I don't know how to deal with it."

Ryan gazed down. "I won't deny that I wish that too," he said softly. "But the past is the past, and we can't do anything."

"I know. I just can't believe I almost lost you. And I wouldn't have been the only one who lost you, Shelby and James too, and everyone in glee. The whole world would have been different, because you're so special, and I just know that you're going to make such an impact."

They were silent for a moment. "You know," he said softly. "I remember thinking at one point that... it wouldn't matter if I did it. Because nothing would have changed in any of your lives whether I was there or not. I wouldn't have made any difference."

Quinn shook her head. "That's not true."

Ryan's lips quirked up in a tiny, sad smile. "I know that now," he allowed. "But back then... it was inconceivable that I'd play any part in your lives. And hearing you say that now... I don't even have the words." He fell silent for a second. "You've changed a lot."

"Sometimes it doesn't feel that way," she confessed. "It feels like I'm the same manipulative bitch to you that I was to Finn, and I can't help but feel like you deserve so much more than me."

"You're not perfect. Neither am I. And you have changed." He paused. "Do you remember before I got my NYADA acceptance letter? When you found me in the auditorium? In freshman year, that's where I went to hide from everyone. I spent so much time brooding in there, and maybe it's where I first started thinking about... you know. And when I was back in there two weeks ago, I could feel it starting again. The feeling that I wasn't good enough, that no one would want me. But it was different. You know why?"