Conciliate

Healing

Late last night Gray sent me a message asking me to meet him, he wanted to explain his side on what happened four years ago. Ignored his messages since I don't want to have a communication with him and the point of him explaining is irrelevant now.

I choose to walk away before without hearing his explanation after seeing him in bed with another woman. What explanation can he give me that can erase what I saw and the pain 

I'm feeling that time. I cannot really understand what made him do that to me, we were in a serious relationship talking about marriage then his behavior towards me changed like he's pushing me away.

Am I not enough, am I not good enough for him? I was questioning myself and trying to validate his action, that maybe it was a one-time thing or he was drunk or whatever reason I can think of. But every time I close my eyes the image of him in bed with her is all I can see. The roller coaster of emotion was drowning me. I tried to be strong in front of my family and friends but I was just like a machine on full battery doing what it needs to do, finishing its task then shuts down every night. That when I am alone the sadness creeps into my soul and the reality of me still loving him in spite of everything.

When I finally had the courage to talk to him and fix our relationship he was gone, left without a trace. And just like that I was shattered again like an addict on relapse everything spiraling down. I quit my job and shut off everybody around me. Without even realizing that I was in full blown depression. With the help of my family, friends and therapy I slowly got better and I believe stronger.

That meeting in his studio really jolted me I was not ready to face him or hear his side. I had to run away from him before I can't control my emotion, to appease my mind and think it through.

After my resignation and Art's proposal I knew I was ready. To start a new chapter in my life I have to end my story with him, just like what Art said closing the loose ends would be good for me.

Meeting in a public space is the ideal setting, not to give him any idea about us getting back together. He was already there when I arrived in the cozy and not too crowded café. I sat across him and placed my interlocked hands on the table letting him see that big rock on my finger. I'm childish so what?

He asked if I want anything to eat or drink, I just asked for coffee cause who the hell would want to eat on this kind of conversation that we are about to do. Ok chill Calix. Relax.

"So, Josh or should I call you Gray? I'll just stick with Josh since we are about to talk about the past anyway. But before you start, I just want to say that whatever the reason you have that time it won't change anything now." he tried to hold my hands but I pulled it away.

He was as fidgeting obviously uncomfortable as well.

"Crux record was made for you, for us. Four years ago, when I talked to your dad asking your hand in marriage his words made me realized that I'm not worthy of you that time. I started to intentionally hurt you by lying to you and ignoring you. Your pain is my pain too and so much more babe.

How can I let go of someone that is already part of me? How can I make you believe that I don't love you when everything of me is yours? I knew that you can throw away the luxury in your life to be with me. But how can I do that to you? I cannot ask you to wait for me because that would be unfair to you. I choose to hurt you for you to let go. To give up on us.

For four years not a single day passed by that I didn't think about you. I can't run back to you not until I can give you the life you deserve. But I guess I'm too late now."

I was in tears without me realizing it.

"You didn't have faith in me, in what we have that time. You didn't give me a chance to choose and that is you being unfair to me. And yes, you are too late." 

I