All This Is Is Complicated {TodoBakuDeku}

CHAPTER 3 BAKUGOU

TW: Homophobia (internalized homophobia but homophobia nonetheless), Cursing (because this is Bakugou's chapter), also f-slur warning (Bakugou is... bad at feelings)

Fuck why was that shitty nerd awake at this hour?

He threw the towel that was slung over his shoulder onto the counter and turned to the nikuman he was making. Bakugou covered his face as he caught his breath. The blush that filled his face finally stopped. That was fucking embarrassing. First name and no fucking honorifics. How was he so... so fucking casual? No one ever even dared to pull that shit on him before. No one even called him Katsuki anymore. After middle school, there was no one who knew him as Katsuki anymore. Just the old hag and his dad. Being called Katsuki wasn't that unusual but it was just so... hearing the way he said Katsuki... he was so tempted to let him say it all he wanted. Icyhot just had a nice voice and Bakugou wouldn't mind hearing that voice calling his given name. If shitty Deku wasn't there then... shit why he is always there when he just wants to... fuck... the problem here is Bakugou. It was his own fault that he was letting something as stupid as indifference get to him. Just because the mornings were the only time that they actually were alone and the only time he actually found peace, doesn't mean that he should get so pissed about being ignored in favour of some shit nerd.

But still...

Why were they always together? Icyhot was so quiet and Deku was so annoying; how did they even become friends? Why do they have to...? Fuck... he's not... he's just being... Bakugou wasn't... he didn't. Why did they have to always be so close? Why did they have to share their secrets and trust each other so much? What the fuck was their deal?! Why did he confide in him at the Sports Festival? Why did he use his power on him but not Bakugou? Did Bakugou not deserve it in his eyes? Was Bakugou not worthy? They were fucking looking down on him weren't they. Why couldn't Bakugou... no he didn't want to be friends with that idiot...

"Fuck I want more."

Bakugou shook off his thoughts. He had already come to terms. He had already made up his mind. His thoughts were stupid. They were useless. They were feelings that didn't mean anything. People were meant to be pebbles along the road. People were meant to see him as the best. People were meant to see him as number 1. People were not meant to be with Bakugou. He had to be number 1. That wasn't up for discussion. No one was going to get in his damn way. People weren't going to look down on him. People were allowed to like him like that (as annoying as it is) but he could never look at anyone like that. Then it was basically the same as losing. If he admits his feelings then he loses. Because they wouldn't spare him a glance. People were never going to look at him the way that bastard looks at that idiot.

The timer went off. He peeked at the buns and turned off the heat. "Ha perfect. Like always," he complimented as he let them air out for a few seconds, "these fuckers are easy anyway." He said as he grabbed one, blew it, and popped it into his mouth. He smiled that even now it still surprised him how amazing he was. Bakugou grabbed the steamer tray and headed out to the table. He wiped any remnant of the intensity he had felt just a few minutes ago and planned to shove his delicious ass food down Deku's throat in retaliation. He shut the lights off for the kitchen and stepped into the naturally lit dining room, "Oi are you done Icyhot? We still have morning class to go to so get your shit together and stop talking to that shitty ne..." Bakugou almost dropped his plate as he processed the scene.

Icyhot had his right hand placed softly on Deku's cheek. Deku was staring into those shitty eyes of his. Those fucking piercing, scary, fucking... ugly eyes of his. Icyhot said something. It was probably in the usual serious matter-of-fact voice that called his name. He said something that seemed to be important; important enough to make that dumbass finally stop moving for just one moment. Bakugou was frozen too. What was he supposed to do in this fucking situation?! He gripped the tray as he prepared to just casually interrupt their staredown session by slamming down the nikuman but then it hit him.

Todoroki's eyes. His gaze was always so frigid. Or fiery. Or painfully fine; like nothing interested him. But now. They were so soft, so kind. They looked at Deku like no other. His eyes that were so intimidating and powerful were now overwhelmingly tender and intimate.

The intensity surged through Bakugou's body again and staggering anger just pulsed through him. He caught sight of the way he looked at him and Bakugou could see the look that he could never get. He watched as Icyhot's eyes overflowed with something Bakugou had never seen before. A look he had never seen because it was never meant for him.

Was this it? Was this really happening in front of Bakugou's eyes? Icyhot was so close to Deku's face. They were about to... Fuck he knew that it was hopeless but it didn't need to be hopeless this soon.

"WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

The tray dropped with a loud clank against the table. Bakugou had his hands slammed onto the table as he stared at the two with searing disbelief. He had lunged from the kitchen in a dramatic swift motion. They better pay some fucking attention to him. Red met green and caused a forest fire. Deku turned his flushed face towards an angry Bakugou. He looked like he was just caught in the act. Well just look at what they are fucking doing. They were being fucking faggots. It was already fucking disgusting when guys joked around with that shit but this was... This was fucking disgusting. This wasn't some repulsive flirting, this was real. They were eye-fucking like homos and they were absolutely shameless.

Icyhot had to pry his ugly mismatched eyes off that stupid nerd just to look in Bakugou's fucking direction and that just made his fingers curl into his palms. It was absolutely disgusting the way he looked at him, to someone who didn't even fucking deserve it for that matter. Icyhot stared at Deku like he was the most amazing thing in the world. Icyhot stared at Deku like he was the world.

Fucking vomit.

Bakugou felt so weird. He felt like killing something. Maybe someone. He didn't really know. He gritted his teeth and felt the pit begin to dig in his stomach. He wasn't letting his glare falter but something just wasn't right. It felt like he was destructing from the inside. That the things he was saying was hurting him more than what was actually going on. His insides felt so conflicted. He would think one thing then he would be overcome with another. He felt like he was going fucking mad because this wasn't like him. He always knew what he wanted. He always knew what he should do. But this. Fucking complicated. He felt so fucking complicated.

This feeling. He knew what it was. He always knew in a way. He just was never going to fucking admit it. No there was nothing to admit. The only thing he felt was anger and disgust towards the two; nothing more, nothing less.

His eyes had turned distant once again. Because apparently Bakugou meant nothing to him. Because apparently Bakugou wouldn't spark anything in him. Because apparently the shit nerd deserved it but not Bakugou. Because Icyhot couldn't give two shits about him.

...

He was jealous. Call him fucking jealous. Go ahead. Fucking do it. I dare you.

Who wouldn't be when the only person who doesn't even acknowledge your existence doesn't look your way but instead looks at the trash behind you.

Bakugou didn't fucking like that stupid Half and Half bastard.

And that was the fucking problem.

A/N: Hey! So this chapter was kind of a weird one to write and I don't think I could really get it across like I wanted. I'll dissect what actually happened here. Bakugou is more of a 'lets get straight to the point but let me have angry outbursts because I'm bad at feelings' kind of person. This kind of really fucks him up because ya know internalized hatred and self-doubt. Anyway hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope the next chapter is better!