TW: Self-Harm, Self-destructive tendencies, Anxiety Attack, Mental Breakdown, (because I am a sadistic bastard who likes to suffer/Bakugou can't catch a break) Cursing (but that's the least of my worries right now)
Bakugou's teeth clenched and his eyes narrowed. He felt like screaming until his throat split. He took the same road to his early classes every single day but this walk felt like the longest fucking thing. When he realized why, he quickly shifted his bag strap to his left shoulder in realization. His mouth tasted bitter and his stomach ached. This wasn't fucking anger. Everyone pissed him off. Everything pissed him off. He was constantly surrounded by annoying shits. But this was different. He bit the insides of his cheeks and gripped his bag strap tighter. He crossed the street with anger fueled steps; if the route wasn't ingrained in his brain he would have been halfway to Tokyo with his angry absentminded stomping.
A few weird stares from time to time but Bakugou wasn't the one who had the quirk to be a fucking lego brick. "Fucking shitty extras." He could see the tall building looming and a smile finally stretched across his face as he recounted all the extras who attended alongside him. He chuckled at the fact that he could indeed beat the shit out of anyone who fucked with him but he was quickly pulled back into the irritating thoughts of the nonsense that had happened earlier that morning.
It shouldn't have bothered him.
Well it should have bothered him but not in the ways he was bothered. He wasn't bothered by two dudes making out. He wasn't bothered by the fact that Deku and Icyhot were the biggest homos he had ever seen (and Bakugou knew Kirishima so that said a lot). It bothered him that there was something he could never have. He always got what he wanted. No matter how long it took. No matter how much work he had to put in. No matter the situation. He always got what he wanted. But this. He knew. He couldn't have this. He never thought he would want this. But now it's something that he wanted with the most irrational amount of desire.
His hands were in fists. His knuckles paled and his nails dug painfully into his palms. He wanted to punch something. Punch someone. Punching people wasn't fun though. It fucking hurt. The blow back that focused primarily on your knuckles that distributed the pain unevenly. It was a fucking pain to have to deal with punching when you can so easily blow them up. Maybe that's why Deku will always be shit. Because in all honesty, punching hurts like a bitch.
Bakugou's fists quickly reached his face and he bit down on his knuckles to draw him quickly out of spiraling. Fuck. What kind of pussy shit was he on? He took a sharp breath and bit harder on the smooth skin that covered his knuckles. Slowly his grip loosened and his breathing became normal. This kind of thing wasn't really something that happened. Especially not in the wide open sunlight. He wasn't like Deku; breaking down in the middle of class and embarrassing himself in front of everyone. He wasn't like Deku; breaking his fucking fingers like a masochist and hurting himself just to accomplish something. But maybe that's what he needed. Maybe Bakugou needed that pain. Maybe he wanted to feel that pain. Maybe it would feel better than all of this bullshit.
Bakugou quickly cut into an alleyway that was a shortcut until the pain hit him again like a bullet in his chest. Like the memories were like knives to his heart and every single one of them reminded him that nothing he did was ever good enough. This route. This path. This past month. This past year. Everything. It was just laced with useless memories that he couldn't stop from pouring into his thoughts. Stupid thoughts of impossible things.
Impossible.
That wasn't something that was in his vocabulary. But hopeless means call for hopeless measures. God hopeless was never in his vocabulary either but there it was. He never felt this fucking pathetic. Seeing only what he wanted to see. Convincing himself that it would all work out in the end. Telling himself that any of those useless memories meant something. Pathetic. It was pathetic to think that he actually thought that he could be number 1 and still indulge in things like... in things like that.
His feet stopped moving. He stood in the quiet street of the early morning. The training center was only a few steps away but everything was getting the best of him. Why was he so fucking emotional lately? First he breaks down twice in front of Deku but then he starts having a fucking panic attack over some stupid shit like this. His bag fell off his shoulder. He felt his chest tighten. He felt the wave of emotion start to build. He felt like he was going to crumble away. Fuck. He hated this. He hated this feeling. He hated the feeling that he would never be enough. He hated the feeling of being looked down on. He hated the feeling of never being looked at in the first place. He hated feelings.
He punched the wall. The stone hit with a sting and ache that was just as bothersome as he had described but there was more to it. It was satisfying. The rush of adrenaline and the control he felt. He punched again. The pain seemed to ground him more and more. The pain seemed to keep him from crumbling into a terrified little boy who meant absolutely nothing. He buried every feeling of inferiority into the wall. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. He wanted to cry. He wanted to yell. He wanted everything to stop. He screamed and crumpled to the ground.
Pathetic.
How could he be so fucking pathetic? What the fuck was he doing? He dug his nails into the wall and clawed to the bottom. He crouched and hit his head violently against the rough brick, his bloody fingertip still pressing against the wall. His teeth fell harshly on his gums from being held together for so long to the point the pressure was too much. He punched. He punched until he fucking couldn't. He punched until he wasn't pathetic. He punched because he was pathetic. Why the fuck did he have to be like this. He felt like he was dying. Maybe that's what he wanted.
"BAKUGOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
YOU ARE READING
All This Is Is Complicated {TodoBakuDeku}
Fanfiction"This is so fucking messed up""Its just complicated""I wouldn't want it any other way" Complicated. That is the only way to explain it. All love was complicated. But for these three it was specifically complicated. All for One and One for All; that...
