stiles shattered

Chapter 8

Trigger Warning-Descriptions of dissociation 

Stiles's POV

I was mindlessly flipping through channels and barely heard a door open and close. If I was really trying to pay attention, I probably would have at least turned around and checked to see who was going in and out. If it was Scott, he would probably say something.

I eventually put down the remote but it feels sort of, foreign? I started to realize what was happening and squeezed my hand, but didn't really feel or register it.

Shit. I was dissociating. This has happened multiple times and I learned some techniques to bring myself back but I couldn't find the will to do it this time. I didn't even realize it was happening, which I can do most of the time.

It's probably because of Scott and Derek, I decide. I barely even felt anything about the fact that Scott was actually coming here, but rather about the fact that Derek told him without my permission. I guess I was anxious and stressed or else this wouldn't have happened.

I think for a second, while my body picks up the remote and keeps clicking through channels, though I barely register it again. I can see myself doing it, can see myself clicking the buttons, but it's like I'm not the one doing it. Like someone else is doing it for me and I can't do anything but watch. It sort of feels like the Nogistune, but it's too hard to really feel anything like this.

I wonder if I should try and bring myself back or not, and decide against it. At least until I'm home and can let out everything there. Rather do it alone in my own house than in Derek's loft with both Scott and Derek here to witness.

After what feels, no, seems like seconds, I hear the door open again and feel a hand on my shoulder. Normally, this would have startled me, but fear is a feeling. I see myself turn my head around, and there is Scott. 

The rest of the encounter is sort of a blur. We talked, actually more like Scott talked to me. He didn't really get much out of me and eventually just settled on driving me home. Maybe if I could pay attention, I would have realized that Scott stopped to talk to Derek and he ended up following us.

I continued to say nothing and walked to his car. After, again, what seemed like seconds, we were suddenly at my house. Scott walked me to the door and I assume was about to follow me in, but I closed the door before he could.

As soon as I realized he was gone, I could already start to feel myself coming back. I leaned to the back of the couch and grabbed onto it, making sure to really feel the couch, and how fake and smooth the leather felt. I focused on my feet on the floor; the strong, sturdy floor. I look outside a window and see the sun, the bright, shining sun.

And then I was back. My breathing quickened as I slid down the back of the couch onto the floor. Dissociating helps when you're in the actual situation but after, when the panic really sets in, it's so much worse.

I sit on the floor panting, trying and failing to slow my breathing. You would think that after all the panic attacks that I get that I would be able to stop them by now. Nope. I lean my head back and hope that it all passes before I pass out again.

Derek's POV

From the minute we walked back into the house, I could sense something was off. Scott may not have noticed it, but I definitely did. There was something about the way Stiles interacted and walked around, as if he wasn't really there.

It then hit me; this kid's dissociating. Cora used to do it when she was younger and anxious about social situations. They mostly went away when she turned for the first time.

But while they were going on, my mom taught me to look for the signs. It's been a long time, but he was displaying them. His eyes were glazed over, his voice sounded different, and he just overall wasn't acting like the Stiles I talked to less than 20 minutes ago.

I pulled Scott to the side and talked to him. "I think he's dissociating."

"He's what?"

"Dissociating. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but it can be pretty dangerous so I'm going to follow behind you guys to help him out when he gets home, okay?"

"Are you sure? I can just try and help him. I could with his panic attacks when his mom died."

"No, dissociation is a lot different than that and I don't think we have time to give you a crash course on how to help someone."

"Yeah okay."

So he drove to Stiles's house, with me close behind him. When Stiles went inside, I pulled into his driveway and took Scott's spare key with him after telling him to wait outside. I silently walked into his house to see Stiles gripping the couch and trying to feel the leather and looking around his surroundings.

Okay, well at least he knows how to pull himself back. After a few seconds, he collapsed and sat on the floor, his breathing quickening. I heard Scott realize what was happening and was glad that he listened to me and stayed outside.

I walked to Stiles and took a knee in front of him and started to try and calm him down. "Hey, hey. I'm here, it's okay. You're not alone anymore."

He looked at me, and even though it wasn't much, his breathing did slow down the slightest bit. He shook his head and looked down at the floor while I kept talking, "Hey, just focus on my voice, okay? Hey, hey, look at me." I lifted his head up. "Breathe with me here. In. Out. In. Out."

After a few minutes, he finally calmed down. "Thanks."

A/N-Woo hoo a longer chapter compared to the last few. I might be slowly running out of ideas-even if I still have a bunch-so if you have any it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!