Lockdown Tales

Lockdown Begins

My heart dropped down into my stomach as Boris Johnson declared we were going into lockdown.

I knew it needed to happen, and I didn't care about when I could next visit a pub or nightclub, or when I'd next be able to go shopping at the mall or get my nails done at the salon. I panicked. I wondered whether that meant I wouldn't be able to help my disabled mother as much as I usually would. How would she cope without me? How could I bear to not see her everyday? And there was no clarification whether us unpaid and undeclared carers were allowed to continue to care, as long as we did it safely. And then my heart began to ache as I wondered when I would next see him.

Not a couple, not exclusive, a little complicated, but still real and still wanted. I wondered when I would get to kiss him again. To feel him holding me, to smell his scent and feel instant comfort. To laugh at his silly jokes and to try and not embarrass myself when he would tickle me just to hear me laugh. And although I missed him due to the long distance in the first place - being told I wasn't allowed to see him? Well, that hit different. That made me feel like a child who's absolute favourite toy had been confiscated until further notice.

And I began to wonder what life would be like now. How others would cope and if any of them were experiencing the same problems as me. Of course, we all ended up in the same boat, but not everyone has the same paddle. I wondered if the people who hadn't been taking this pandemic seriously would have a change of heart, and I wondered if we could overcome this quickly.

I thought of my dad on the frontline. A man I hardly have a relationship with, but still care a great deal for, even though some may say he doesn't deserve it. I wondered if he was scared too. I wondered if he thought of me and my brother too, even if only for a fleeting moment.

I wondered when I would get to see my brother and my grandparents again, who already live so far away. And the intensifying need and urge to want to hug them and see them, to make sure they were okay began to consume my every thought.

3 weeks we were given. But I wondered how long this would really take. And how fast or slow the minutes would fly by. For months I had already worried and stressed that my anxiety was taking over my entire life, but
I had no idea what was to come. The anxiety I felt months ago was nothing compared to that moment. Compared to hearing the words "Global Pandemic". It was nothing compared to the overwhelming feeling of worrying that I wouldn't be able to care for my mum, see and hug my family and continue to bask in the happiness I feel whenever I'm with him.