Accident Prone |h.s|

Chapter 6: Being

Oh crap.

I can't answer looking like this. Mascara is literally dripping down my face like I'm in some terrible romcom.

And I'm driving. I think its best to just ignore this one.

I know he could make me feel better in just by hearing him laugh. He has that magical laugh that is so contagious it instantly makes you happy.

But I don't wanna be happy right now.

I'm pulling into the parking spot outside my apartment as my phone lights up again.

It's a text from Harry.

He's saying he hopes I'm alright and that I should FaceTime him soon. He always signs his texts with a little x. Like a little kiss on the cheek from him across the world.

It's almost 8am in London. What could he possibly need from me this early in the morning. If he asks me to look at his hair at this hour, I swear.

As I unlock my front door and kick off my shoes, I reach for my half empty bottle of wine and stemless glass from the cabinet. Two day old Cabernet will have to do for now.

Who am I kidding? All wine is good always.

I go to sit on my worn-in couch with my now full glass in hand. I should just call him back.

Maybe it's important. Or maybe he can't match his socks right.

With a heavy sigh and a gulp from my glass I click his name to FaceTime him back.

Wiping my eyes as I see my reflection in the front camera, trying to remove the dark lines of makeup on my face. I expect to see Harry's chipper morning face but I'm surprised when his mom is the one that answers.

"Anne!" I all but scream at her as I see her lovely face pop up. I haven't talked to her in so long. Her sweet eyes and short dark hair are such a sight for my over emotional brain.

She's like the mom I wish my mom could be. All kindness and support. A literal saint.

"Beanie! I missed you terribly. How are things? I'm sorry to call so late I know it's nearly midnight there." She rambles on, talking quickly as the morning light shines through her window behind her framing her face.

"No you get to call me anytime you want! I'm doing okay," I say with a half smile that I hope reaches my eyes, "I miss you so much! It's been ages since you've been in LA. Please come back and hang out with me. I really need someone other than your son to play at scrabble. He's making it too easy to win"

"Hey! I almost win sometimes!" I hear Harry scream from the background before he joins his mother in the screen. "You only win because you stay at home on Friday's reading Jane Eyre and I have to entertain thousands of people with just my voice."

"Don't forget your booming personality. But okay Harry, whatever makes you sleep better at night." I say with a wink so Anne. "But I do miss your breakfasts, Anne. Harry cannot make pancakes half as well as you."

"Funny you should say that," he says grabbing the phone and switching the camera around to show a huge stack of chocolate chip pancakes. "That's actually why we called. Mum made these and said they were for you. But I get to eat them, obviously." He says pointing the camera to his mom.

I giggle as he stuffs a huge bite into his enormous mouth. "Thanks Anne, I appreciate you! And Harry can you just sneak one of those through customs for me when you get back in a few days? That's not weird right?"

"You two are too much." Anne says as she sips her coffee. "Like you've been married for years or something."

"Alright mum, way to make it weird." Harry says with a roll of his eyes. I laugh so hard her comment that he looks back in mock offense at my reaction

"Hey, I would be a dream husband. I bake things and I pick up my dirty wash and I can drive a motorbike." He says in complete explanation.

"Yes, Harry, those are all the qualities that make for a great husband," I say shaking my head "Now if you don't mind I'm gonna hurry off to bed before you propose or something equally weird happens."

I tell Anne goodbye and that I hope to see her soon. Harry gives me a huge grin before he hangs up and I'm left alone in my living room.

It's funny how a conversation with someone half way across the globe can make you feel less alone. And then it's right back to square one as soon as they hang up.

After finishing my glass, I head for the shower hoping the hot water and steam can wash away whatever mood this is.

As the hot water melts into my hair and shoulders, I start to decompress. It's a complete contrast to the icy coldness of my skin. Goosebumps form all over my body from the sudden change in temperature.

I start to rethink everything that happened this evening.

I realize that I can't expect the people in my life to stop growing and continuing to have new experiences just because I'm not.

Kim is so incredibly happy. I can see it as soon as I'm next to her. And I'm so happy that's she's happy.

But then why do I feel like someone is sitting on my chest when I try to take a breath? Why is it that every time I think of her becoming a wife and her wedding in Paris, I want to cry.

I need to stop putting my life on hold and hoping someone or something magically will change it. Life is not a romantic comedy where the boring quirky girl falls into the arms of a stranger and they magically are meant for each other.

That's just not how it works.

I need to stop just existing. I need to start being.

Being in the moment.
Being willing to get out of my comfort zone.
Being accepting of things out of my control.
Being a better friend.

As I step out and wrap my towel around my torso looking into a foggy mirror, I see the resolve in my eyes. I will not feel sorry for myself if I'm not going to try to change who I am.

Yup, this is it. This is my revolutionary moment. Gonna make it better.

I compete my skincare routine and slide into my sheets. I hug my extra pillow and curl into a ball on my side. My favorite pajamas bunching at my stomach as I lay down. All of a sudden, the light from my screen illuminates the dark room as my phone buzzes.

Harry: Hey B everything ok? You looked sad when we talked before. Everything good with Kim?

I forgot I told him that I was going over there for dinner. How do I respond without seeming like a selfish butthole that is sad her best friend is getting married?

Why is he so observant?

Me: I'm ok don't worry. Kim told me that her and Justin got engaged and that she wants me to be her maid of honor during their elopement in Paris and I'm just overwhelmed and overthinking. You know...the norm.

That's a non-crazy explanation, right? I can't bring myself to find out what his response is as I push my phone across the bed under the opposite pillow.

I'm starting to drift off after the long emotional night.

Overthinking that text. That was probably a weird message to send. He probably thinks I'm a psycho that can't be a normal happy person.

I finally drift off to sleep, thinking about Paris and pancakes and pop singers.