The chronicles of this stupid lesbian witch

Invisible

Lately I've noticed I'm kind of invisible to my family. They never tell me when they make lunch or dinner. They just make it and assume I know it's happening even though I've been disassociating in my bedroom staring at my wall all day, so I have no clue that time has even passed since I woke up. I'm kind of a shitty child. I don't do my chores. I say I'll get to it but i rarely do, i always forget about it. Whenever I'm asked any question I get mad for some reason. Because I'm mad I can't handle paying attention to what they asked me so I can't do whatever they needed. However, me not doing what they needed because I'm mad means they ask again. Which just means that I get even more mad and stressed out. I yell at my brother because he smells gross. I yell at him for everything. He's always so hyper. He refuses to take his adhd meds. I was just like him when I was his age so I feel bad yelling because I got yelled at just like him. I want to show him love, but all he ever does is yell and play on the 3DS , and yell because he's not allowed to play on it. He never does his chores. I know I say I don't do mine but at least I do mine a third of the time. He doesn't do them like ever. And on the rare occasion he does he just yells the entire time. My other brother is manipulative and uses his health problems to get out of things more than I do. I have a shit ton of problems too. But I don't use them to get out of chores. If I'm saying I can't do it I'm in pain that's because I can't do it, I can probably barely move. Sometimes I still try though. Look at me though. Trying to make myself seem like the good guy. I'm not. I'm not at all. I'm a shit sister and a shit daughter. I yell and I make a mess and I don't do what I'm told and I'm failing classes. I keep hitting my head and at this rate I've had five concussions in the last two and a half years. Along with the concussions come a whole set of problems. Sometimes I shut down. I just stop working. I know when it happens but I can't stop it, I talk like a toddler and I cry and I can't answer any questions and nothing I say makes any sense. It happens when I get stressed now because of how many times I've hit my head. And it always feel like my brain is drowning. My aunt and cousin tell me to stop thinking about it. I'm not fucking thinking about it. I'm not even thinking at all. When I'm like that I don't know how to think. The words in my mouth don't work. I can't grasp the concept of things like colors. I'm not thinking. That's the problem. It's just emotions. But all of that in a teenagers body. My cousin was having fun hanging out with me. Then Emma came along and got off her phone and now Sarah doesn't even care that I'm here. Then miles popped up from his room and she finds him hilarious. I'm always one the one that's loved for just a short time. I have four younger siblings. They're all so much cuter than me according to everyone else. I mean. They honestly are. But I had my first sibling at 1 and 1/2 so I had no chance. I was doomed from the start. Doomed to just be there to try and take care of them and teach my parents not how to fuck up the rest of them. So ya. I'm fucked up and I'm invisible.